Lack Commitment

Hello Everyone,

It's Sunday , and what is there to do ? 

I woke up super darn early 4 am to be exact only too stay up and drive my happy self to STARBUCKS.  As Im in the drive thru , I think about why am I awake ? 

It's Sunday , my day isn't really planned for anything important and I want to just sleep . I have episodes of insomnia , and maybe I have to change something in my life , change how I feel .

I'm not as busy as I should be , but since I'm trying to find my mojo and really trying to figure out what my life is about , I feel like I have developed or maybe I'be always had adhd. My focus is horrible , talking to a group of people or having to go outside causes my anxiety , but I talk myself out of this fear . It really isn't going 100 percent . 

This idea that I can't hold my mind to just that one thing sucks . I want to do it all .....

I need some help , but I hate meds ....

Any suggestions ?

xoxo-

yess

Keep Me in the Wild

It's Friday already , the Week  flew by so quick . I took videos and pictures and so many of them .

 Heres how it went ...

A little recap of life this week , I finished the week with hearing from an old friend, and a never ending ted talk session with someone in my life .

The one thing that I find so irritating is that I have to always be arguing my side of the story to the same person about the same thing. I've come to figure out that , my side won't ever be heard so , I'm tired . 

My soul has been exhausted , and my anxiety has been racing at 100 bpm. (no exaggeration ) One thing that I learned about myself is that maybe, just maybe I might have social anxiety; On top of how I feel. 

Than this ---->

Let me explain what happened to me and you can kind of tell me if it's me or just something else . A while back like two months ago , I experienced something so horrible . Ugh ! here I go!! (sorry I hate remembering )

I had to go to Costco on an errand , mind you I went late in the evening and as you can imagine this place was a mad house , it was so effin packed. People everywhere , I felt like I was walking into a scene of the walking dead . These people really made me feel suffocated , as I'm walking around I begin  feeling so nervous , my head starts spinning I started feeling so nauseous . OmG it was the worst , my asthma starts kicking in at this point I have completely  forgotten what I even came to get . 

I walked out with my head down and began to run , i stop by my car and suddenly I realized shit I can't be here ...While sitting in my car I suddenly feel safe ; safe from the world , from everything ( so it made sense in my head ) . I finally start driving off . I bump loud music so that way I can distract myself and not think.

This has to be my turning point .. I can't be in a place full of people all at once .

It is the scariest feeling , I've never felt this way until now . I've never encountered something so intense .

So now If I have to go somewhere I have to be there as soon as it opens, where everyone is asleep or barley getting there.

My little tribe hates that , I hear; " mom why so early , mom Im tired , It's to early " (it's repetitive).... 

But , this is something I can't budge . 

xoxo-

yess

Lately, not too much

 OMG! I have not been on this for so long , my inconsistency is real . Life gets in the way and well I know that for me I forget that I have this platform is here.

Man , I have had a crazy 360 in life but I have managed to make it through .

Dealing with the father of my kids has been the worst , It's crazy how when someone who you thought you knew gives a crazy turn to not even care or act like he doesn't care for his kids. Men do really be out here making kids and acting a fool when they spit with the mom . But fuck it , at this point there's something better for us in the universe . 

I managed to finally get my own place slowly working my way up in this place I call life. Shit has been really crazy that's for sure .

If Im honest my emotions really have had a toll on me , but my strength and resilience has made me who I am . I deal with things differently and I know that we will be ok. I've made crazy , crazy mistakes and what have I learned ; to take life slow.

When I reflect on what I have lived, and where I am I come to the conclusion  that suffering is inevitable, pain is inevitable and ask myself when well I get to a place where I just don't care , where I can be completely transparent with myself without all these feelings and emotions getting in the way . Everything will be fine  I keep telling myself ...

I read somewhere that In order to be happy you have to be happy where you are at with yourself and no one can make you happy that's our job. What are your thoughts ??

Things will get better and I am barely starting my life 

Xoxo

y.

Unhealed

 For the longest time I wondered what It would be like to not have a husband ....

I wondered if I could survive and how it would impact their lives...

And that is exactly how my life turned 

when someone betrays another person things can't possibly end up good , there is no trust anymore the love kind of fades into the abyss...

Existing becomes a chore ...

This all happened two years ago when he walked out on us and left us homeless while he left with the other female...Not caring that we didn't have anything but each other..

In the process I struggled but I came out on top and I will continue to do so ...

See the one thing that I have learned is when men walk out on you , they actually do us a favor ..

Because there is space left for something greater and better ....

It doesn't; seem like that In the moment but as long as we don't forget who needs us and who we need life becomes grand 

Those become our kids , and while it's ok for them to see us sad in the moment it's ok for them to see us happy. Everything we do ,we do it for our kids ....

They will mirror me but will be better....

There is always hope and light at the end of the tunnel , it just takes time to be ok ...

Always go through the motions I tell myself , so that I can be a better me today , tomorrow and forever.

A Heart Break and a Tale of a Liar

 One of the hardest things that I've come across is betrayal , whether from friends or lovers. For the past year I have really been through a lot . Hating every moment and wondering what I did wrong , but as it turns out I did everything right so what's the issue? 

I press this a lot on myself because I'm always at a halt with my thoughts and then again I start rethinking-it all over again . 

As I learned clearly some time ago , that no matter what how long you are with a person there is a 100% percent chance of them cheating some way somehow . It's just a fact, and as a woman we try to be forgiving in hope of a change from a partner . Sadly I've come to find out that it's never that way anymore.

It's really harsh to live like this , and really feeling that we have no power to make that change for myself.

See, a while back I dated a guy name X who's tendencies where more than obvious, he had this hard demeanor to himself and always look so defensive . Me carrying a whole package of pain in my heart , I slowly caved into this idea of hope and maybe love. Literally , maybe turns out that almost a year into this so called relationship his own friend exposed him . We were having a deep conversation and he just with a raw sense of humor said " You know X isn't taking you seriously ." I honestly looked at him baffled and confused , like why are you telling me , he repeatedly said "he's not what you think , he knows that your vulnerable and he's taking advantage of the situations". That was so much for me too handle totally out of the blue and wondering , why would someone tell me this , especially a friend of his . Hmmmm; Interest maybe. That really stuck to me and if you are a women reading this , you know the insecurity and distrust that follows. 

Fast forward here we are June something and my nephew invites me to his baby shower outside the city , and of course me being me I go . In my mind and head I know I can't trust X and all these weird feelings come over me . Before, I left I told him promise me you'll be good and I have nothing to worry about . With a straight face and almost annoyed he said " yes, baby I love you too much blah, blah , blah. Of course something in my gut told me otherwise . I leave and return around 8 pm. Through out the day we only texted maybe a handful of times . I called him no answer , I kept calling until he shuts off his phone and never picks up until 10 am the next morning inly to tell me they towed my car. 

In that instance I thought straight Karma Mother Fucker , as he returns hundreds of dollars later . He acts as if he did nothing he was just hanging out with friends . I of course go through his phone only to see about 10 numbers blocked .  OMFG! he cheated!! OMFG He cheated !!. Yes, he did.  I come to find out days later a phone call where an X calls and says" Come fuck me and Pay me ". That was such a disturbing call overall . He kept denying  anything and everything . Months pass and one day we have a huge argument and it all comes out . I tell him I know he cheated since the beginning his friend confirmed it and  he messed around the night I left . With a straight narcissistic attitude he says no". He says how much again he loves me . I balled up crying about two days , then one day he confesses and says " yes I did , but I was stupid and I love you more than ever.' OMFG ! the nerve of men . Really love me ! I said you love yourself and the Idea of getting blowed is your weakness. 

All in all I will say this never in my life have I ever come across a pathological liar of this magnitude . It's unbelievable that almost two years that I endured stupidity at its highest level . 

This kept breaking my heart over and over , and now I am just numb to the idea of truthfulness, not saying there isn't love somewhere but the level of distrust is unimaginable but real.

This isn't the first time , but I have learned to cope and be stronger and let go ! I do myself no good continuing to be with a liar, cheater and dishonest man . 

It's hard to let go , but at one point is bound to repeat itself  making me look like a fool . 

This is me letting him know that I am no longer going to play the fool , and let him hurt even for an instance as much as he hurt me .Me walking away will be something that I believe will pain him but it's too late for 3,4,5, chances.

I've learned what I want, and don't want and, what I will settle for and won't . 

This was by far that harshest experience.  

This is what ?

     I don't think that this topic gets talked about a lot really . The media sort of brushes it under the rug and well nothing really comes out of the topic. I'm talking about MENTAL ILLNESS. 

It's very real I struggle with it every day , and Im on medication because of it. I always knew I had something but was very afraid to speak about it to anyone . I had no outlet growing up because I really believed that this was normal . All the turmoil , that I kept in my head really was there but in my head I always thought why talk about it . For years , I experienced bullying and beatings from a close family member and I would look up and ask my auntie who would babysit me  to help me all she would do is laugh at me .  During that time I had really long hair so she would purposely pull and pull on it . I was just never big on telling so I kept all that to myself . 

Fast forward to now , and here I am talking about mental illness . That part of my life was really hard , and I've carried that up until now. 

There was so many other things that happened to me , but all in all my depression and anxiety really was something I continued to hide and just not want to be on medication . I mean who likes pills? eww!!  I can't stand them . Ever since I have been taking them man ,  i have been  much more sensitive . I feel myself really everywhere and sometimes just numb . 

Honestly , at this stage in my life I just want to raise my kids with minimal life interruptions live a serene quiet life just us, and live out in the country somewhere in Amsterdam  and travel  with them . I want to show them the world  and with that life will feel complete .

See the one thing I have come to realize is I don't want to burden my babies with such things . They need to feel safe even when I am all over the place . I continue to hide all this , but if they ever need my help I will be there . 

During this roller coaster of pill consumptions , I really have been just so confused , headaches, I'm feeling sadder , and even more anxious. Maybe that idea just seems so oh shit , that I can't seem to shake it off. Ive lived with it for so long , and it is until now that I have been able to take control . 

However , it is I hope I come out better and on top of the world after this treatment .

I really hope in the next upcoming weeks I can actually feel something different.

If you or anyone you know is going through something similar , it's always nice to have someone check up on us.

HE YELLS

 Friday nights are for fun , to drink and have that experience of alone.  My babies are gone off with there dad , and well Im recovering from a work related injury . Most of my friday nights seem quiet and sometimes mixed with a  bit of drama in the.  

I really do feel alone without my babies . They are everything that drive me into sanity with a bit of oh shit moments . 

There is only one thing that has been bothering me so much , and it's this friend that we have in common . I have made it clear that he's only a friend that I want nothing with him and that he's just that  a friend . Why ? I think in my head why ? do you insist to bother , you aren't  my type , and Im just not into short men . It's not what I like .... It's clear as the water right ? but he just seems so strung on this idea , I've been a friend ... BUT I learned something this time around ; you just can't be friends with everybody  especially men .   That is something Im gonna have too just accept . I'm walking away , I give no hope ..

SA T URDAY

 I  NEED SOME PEACE , I HAVE BEEN FEELING ANXIOUS FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS.  2020 HAS A BEEN A TOTAL BIATCH , THE ONE THING THAT I HAVE LEARNED IS HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO HAVE A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM OF FRIENDS .  RELATIONSHIPS ARE SO OVERRATED , THAT I'VE WONDERED WHAT IS THERE LEFT . BUT FRIENDS, I MEAN UNLESS YOU HAVE A PARTNER THAT IS FUN , ADVENTUREOUS AND TOTALLY AMAZING ; THEN YOUR ONE OF THE FEEW WHOS PARTNER  ISN'T DISTRACT  BY THE SUPERFICIAL NOTIONS OF THE "INTERNET".

How many of us ladies have EDURED such shit. I know I have . 

But that brings me back to the point of the importance of goof friends and good company .

I know that along the way , i've lost many friends because I am just so distant . I like to stay to myself and in some way that is something that most people don't like . Im outgoing but also reserved to all things if anything . 

I've come to realize that the world is a small beautiful intriguing place . But it's a tough life , and sometimes being alone is the best way to avoid many things. 

Im ranting I know , shit I always do that . haha! but it's Saturday and well .. Im kinda wanting to get a huge glass of good wine and wings , smoke and watch flicks , while I finish up this book Im writing. I will start a youtube channel , where I talk about life rants and things that have happen. And if you can relate you can chime into a segment .

Im stuck

It's been one of the hardest month , july!

Last month as well , I can't seem to catch a break . But Im still alive and walking and healthy.

So that there is a plus really , I can't complain .

I have been wondering about how to make ends meet and get us out of the rut. But , as long as mt kids  are happy and I am able to provide for them , that is a winner.

I have been looking into making some jewelry and witchy stuff it's in the making really . I love rocks and stones and good quality rings. But my creative juices are gone out the door .  This quarantine has made me feel a bit lost . I need to get away from all the noise of the world. 

Or am I the only one that feels this way ?

I wanna go camping , but most parks are closed .

Once I get done with it I'll be back on my shit.  

How have you guys been keeping up  with this whole corona virus  ? 

how are you guys keeping busy?

EX ISTENCE

GOOD MORNING WORLD!

I WOKE FEELING A BIT UNEASY . I DONT' KNOW WHY SOMETIMES I FEEL THE WAY I DO . MY ANXIETY CAN BE A TOTAL ASSHOLE

REALLY .. IT IS WHAT IT IS AT THIS POINT.  THERES NOT MUCH TO  EXPECT ANYMORE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND CERTAIN PATTERNS THAT I HAVE THAT REALLY BOGGLE MY MIND . AS TOO WHY I AM THE WAY I AM ..  AS,  I WAS READING ; "JUST KIDS BY PATTI SMITH ", THE CHARACTERS SEEM A BIT LOST IN TRANSLATION AS TO WHERE THEY NEED TO BE IN there LIFE OR WHATS EXPECTED OF THEM .

THAT OPENS  up a big picture of what I need to be doing with my life or where do I need to be ...

But in my own mind and the theory that i have come up with  is ; What is life if it isn't enjoyed by every experience or  what is life if you're not loving what you do . There is this big stigma of what is expected and what you need to be doing by what time on your life . I ask myself why ?  Isn't this is OUR OWN life. Can't we just live by our own rules ?  Don't we dictate the what ifs  and the hows ...

Im not sure where I am getting with this , but what I do know is that I can't measure up to anyone or I won't even dare to try .

We live to experience the world around us as so we see fit . The choices are there to be made  by us .

Why does the world complicate our expectancy ?

What if we woke up dead tomorrow . Will it be a waste?

Nothing Changes

For about 10 plus years, i always wondered what my life would be without this person and here I am without him , And guess what it has been the same shit.
 I have really given up on this idea of love and thought, I can't handle how' bad my anxiety is.Yes, I am seeking help this isn't fun , nor do I ever find it funny or judgmental when someone is going through something like this . It's hard waking up  and feeling like shit . I hate that feeling that I won't ever feel normal .

Through the years and time I can't remember the time that I felt normal . What is normal? Really without loosing my shit ??

I mean obviously we all have a moment of oh shit more so then others . Im just torn between what has to be and  what is. Im not crazy really just not fully stable , with my feelings . The only times Im feeling normal is when my kids are around . The are really my saving grace , they are what helps me get up and fight . Im grateful for them .... Im not saying that Im normal but I feel at ease , I'm just like ok ..

No one that goes through daily struggles wants this or these feelings.

Im signing off.