This is what ?

     I don't think that this topic gets talked about a lot really . The media sort of brushes it under the rug and well nothing really comes out of the topic. I'm talking about MENTAL ILLNESS. 

It's very real I struggle with it every day , and Im on medication because of it. I always knew I had something but was very afraid to speak about it to anyone . I had no outlet growing up because I really believed that this was normal . All the turmoil , that I kept in my head really was there but in my head I always thought why talk about it . For years , I experienced bullying and beatings from a close family member and I would look up and ask my auntie who would babysit me  to help me all she would do is laugh at me .  During that time I had really long hair so she would purposely pull and pull on it . I was just never big on telling so I kept all that to myself . 

Fast forward to now , and here I am talking about mental illness . That part of my life was really hard , and I've carried that up until now. 

There was so many other things that happened to me , but all in all my depression and anxiety really was something I continued to hide and just not want to be on medication . I mean who likes pills? eww!!  I can't stand them . Ever since I have been taking them man ,  i have been  much more sensitive . I feel myself really everywhere and sometimes just numb . 

Honestly , at this stage in my life I just want to raise my kids with minimal life interruptions live a serene quiet life just us, and live out in the country somewhere in Amsterdam  and travel  with them . I want to show them the world  and with that life will feel complete .

See the one thing I have come to realize is I don't want to burden my babies with such things . They need to feel safe even when I am all over the place . I continue to hide all this , but if they ever need my help I will be there . 

During this roller coaster of pill consumptions , I really have been just so confused , headaches, I'm feeling sadder , and even more anxious. Maybe that idea just seems so oh shit , that I can't seem to shake it off. Ive lived with it for so long , and it is until now that I have been able to take control . 

However , it is I hope I come out better and on top of the world after this treatment .

I really hope in the next upcoming weeks I can actually feel something different.

If you or anyone you know is going through something similar , it's always nice to have someone check up on us.