This is what ?

     I don't think that this topic gets talked about a lot really . The media sort of brushes it under the rug and well nothing really comes out of the topic. I'm talking about MENTAL ILLNESS. 

It's very real I struggle with it every day , and Im on medication because of it. I always knew I had something but was very afraid to speak about it to anyone . I had no outlet growing up because I really believed that this was normal . All the turmoil , that I kept in my head really was there but in my head I always thought why talk about it . For years , I experienced bullying and beatings from a close family member and I would look up and ask my auntie who would babysit me  to help me all she would do is laugh at me .  During that time I had really long hair so she would purposely pull and pull on it . I was just never big on telling so I kept all that to myself . 

Fast forward to now , and here I am talking about mental illness . That part of my life was really hard , and I've carried that up until now. 

There was so many other things that happened to me , but all in all my depression and anxiety really was something I continued to hide and just not want to be on medication . I mean who likes pills? eww!!  I can't stand them . Ever since I have been taking them man ,  i have been  much more sensitive . I feel myself really everywhere and sometimes just numb . 

Honestly , at this stage in my life I just want to raise my kids with minimal life interruptions live a serene quiet life just us, and live out in the country somewhere in Amsterdam  and travel  with them . I want to show them the world  and with that life will feel complete .

See the one thing I have come to realize is I don't want to burden my babies with such things . They need to feel safe even when I am all over the place . I continue to hide all this , but if they ever need my help I will be there . 

During this roller coaster of pill consumptions , I really have been just so confused , headaches, I'm feeling sadder , and even more anxious. Maybe that idea just seems so oh shit , that I can't seem to shake it off. Ive lived with it for so long , and it is until now that I have been able to take control . 

However , it is I hope I come out better and on top of the world after this treatment .

I really hope in the next upcoming weeks I can actually feel something different.

If you or anyone you know is going through something similar , it's always nice to have someone check up on us.

HE YELLS

 Friday nights are for fun , to drink and have that experience of alone.  My babies are gone off with there dad , and well Im recovering from a work related injury . Most of my friday nights seem quiet and sometimes mixed with a  bit of drama in the.  

I really do feel alone without my babies . They are everything that drive me into sanity with a bit of oh shit moments . 

There is only one thing that has been bothering me so much , and it's this friend that we have in common . I have made it clear that he's only a friend that I want nothing with him and that he's just that  a friend . Why ? I think in my head why ? do you insist to bother , you aren't  my type , and Im just not into short men . It's not what I like .... It's clear as the water right ? but he just seems so strung on this idea , I've been a friend ... BUT I learned something this time around ; you just can't be friends with everybody  especially men .   That is something Im gonna have too just accept . I'm walking away , I give no hope ..

SA T URDAY

 I  NEED SOME PEACE , I HAVE BEEN FEELING ANXIOUS FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS.  2020 HAS A BEEN A TOTAL BIATCH , THE ONE THING THAT I HAVE LEARNED IS HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO HAVE A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM OF FRIENDS .  RELATIONSHIPS ARE SO OVERRATED , THAT I'VE WONDERED WHAT IS THERE LEFT . BUT FRIENDS, I MEAN UNLESS YOU HAVE A PARTNER THAT IS FUN , ADVENTUREOUS AND TOTALLY AMAZING ; THEN YOUR ONE OF THE FEEW WHOS PARTNER  ISN'T DISTRACT  BY THE SUPERFICIAL NOTIONS OF THE "INTERNET".

How many of us ladies have EDURED such shit. I know I have . 

But that brings me back to the point of the importance of goof friends and good company .

I know that along the way , i've lost many friends because I am just so distant . I like to stay to myself and in some way that is something that most people don't like . Im outgoing but also reserved to all things if anything . 

I've come to realize that the world is a small beautiful intriguing place . But it's a tough life , and sometimes being alone is the best way to avoid many things. 

Im ranting I know , shit I always do that . haha! but it's Saturday and well .. Im kinda wanting to get a huge glass of good wine and wings , smoke and watch flicks , while I finish up this book Im writing. I will start a youtube channel , where I talk about life rants and things that have happen. And if you can relate you can chime into a segment .