I can't recall the last time I was here . It really sucks being without a computer ; Man there is just so much that I have been doing , and not doing and blogging has been one of them. Ever since having my Daughter all I have focused has been on my babies. I somewhat have forgotten to document it. She turn Eight months already and all I have are Instagram pictures. Don't get me wrong instagram is great , but being able to get back here is better, Not only that but my camera is jammed with forest pictures, travel adventures , and endless baby moments that I want to share (maybe another time).
Well a lot has been going on .. I'm not sure I just repeated what I said , but man I can't reiterate this enough. I'm so
glad to have this place to kind of vent what I went through .Nothing bad , just that I have come to realize that the older I'm getting the choices that I make affect my family. The days of only your choice hurting oneself are over . Why I say this , well because my insecurity has gotten the best of me , well it did for almost four years. Being an unsure person sure is the most obnoxious thing to live with. I hate it and maybe somewhat I still I am , confidence isn't my forte . I promise I am working on it, really hard. This notion of being somewhat focused and ready to take on the world and knowing what we want so we can labeled as a success or failure is somewhat bothersome. Shit what planet am I living on . (shakes head) Well , as I was saying about what I was going through. I had been struggling with the idea of my religion. I know right , wtf! moment . Why ? what is there to struggle with . hmm !! lets see , well I was born into a catholic household full force catholic we believed in saints and went to confessions every other Friday growing up. That was I was accustomed too then .
Forward years later , I made a choice to change my religion. Why? because I felt a bit disconnected , lost and unaware of how great it is to be near our savior. You would think that after all those years of attending church I'd be all there, and nothing would be missing in my heart and soul, yeah that would be the idea. But after certain life events seven years ago , I had this urge to make a life changing decision. And I did , I converted into and LDS member aka a Mormon. And wow , it was amazing and I was loving every bit of it . We moved out of our ward and it all changed . Or maybe I am the one that changed am not sure anymore , the point is that I started to debate whether or not to continue going to church . I started to feel isolated , weirded out by people and plain uncomfortable. Here I am a mother of three unable to show my children that I am capable of stepping outside of my comfort zone, and just be myself. Shit ! I suck . After all I can always return to the faith I have always knew, and not give up anything for my sake. So I begin attending mass, with the hope of basically joining again , and not having this mind debate with myself . It was just that easy (or so that's what I thought). I was so serious that I went into the directory to ask about baptism for my children and husband and reconverting . At first the lady at the reception was nice and all, but she wasn't that sure about what I had to do to convert back . SO she sends me back to the lady in charge of the catcism classes and what not . At a glance the lady seemed eager to help me with whatever I was going through, that is until I told her that I had left the faith and joined the LDS church . She stepped back , and gave me this awkward look and told me that it would take me almost two years to convert back and that I need to attend a mass where I would in front of a whole crowd profess my love for the catholic faith. Ok I am a stage freight kind of human , so I thought ugh no , are you serious , I never heard of this . I never had to do this before , what am I joining a cult . I immediately got this pondering deep in my chest , that made me get up excuse myself and leave. Like the lord was telling me that what I was trying to do just isn't good for me. How can something that was so right before seem so wrong now? I'm not sure about anything anymore. The years came and went and yet nothing. Not until recently , that this self doubt , and debate with myself has ended. Where my prayers have been answered. It was time for me to return to a place were now I call home . Where all this discomfort is gone , I feel I have accepted myself and I feel full. I can't quite explain how or why , but its this gut prompting that I always go by and follow , that I feel a sense of certainty , where there was none . Its something of thee unknown. I tripped a lot in order to understand that everything I do reflects on my children , how I raise them now will be a reflection of who they become late in life .
And I know that in todays world , men and women need that spiritual bond that seems so lost today, and I feel the need to show my children; That when my they fall , they get up and speak to god, so they can seek help and guidance and learn to know him and be more like him. I feel and live that when you become more spiritual with whatever works for oneself you tend to gravitate to be more in tune , and creative. Like everything seems more simple and positive.
This is what I want to instill in my children .To become genuine good human beings. With that being said , this trial I endured was good for me. This made me understand what is good for the soul is good for the human kind of scenario.
See religion is important , time away from the world is important, being able to be still in a chaotic time is important and fighting with all my insecurities has made me gain perspective on how to be a better parent to my children and choose what's important for my children , rather that what is that I need now in order to fulfill my temporary pleasure if that makes any sense.
It sounds better in my head I promise . But yes , I was gone for a long time figuring out this dilemma that is so important to me .
