When I think about what this year has been my heart aches, and quietly cries. This year has been short of great. I can say that it has been so HARD....
With my kids father leaving me for another women , moving on so swiftly with no care in the world I feel as If this pain will never go away . I settle for less then I deserve , dating someone who treats me worst then he did ... What am I really searching for?
Sometimes nothing seems to help , I have some great people but this is beyond that .
As I sit here and just contemplate and text away with my good friend , why ?
Do we women settle for less? Why can't we accept the solitude for what it is and just live and enjoy each moment ?
My conclusion is we were accustomed , and we lived in such a way that always involved family .
However, it's always better to let go and heal . I've learned this the hard way to be completely honest. Sometimes it's the hidden pain that we have to go through that helps us see the blessing .
It's a bit of a contradiction . But life itself is just this way ..
One thing that I have learned is that dating SUCKS! It's hard and complicated , I feel like trust has become a great issue. Trust within myself , trust in others , and how can I be happy when I don't trust .
Im just slowly learning to be with myself , and accept the trials and tribulation that arrises.
Life isn't always bad ; but complicated .. I know many women that are going through emotional withdrawals , heart aches , and everything else in between ..
It's hard!
Im ranting but this is my journey to recovery , it's not easy ...
Thursday, November 28, 2019
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
11.26.2019
It' S beginning to look like like I am about to stuff my face kind of holiday ...
If i am honest I'm dreading it , because the after math is no joke, loosing weight during these holidays is like me trying to run in the water " IMPOSSIBLE"!!
I ask myself what is so glamorous about thanksgiving , and the answer is NOTHING !!
But it is however another reason too glam up and lets not pretend that the frozen bird won't break through the frozen seals in my fridge and gobble me up instead ....
It sounded better in my head ...
However, this year has been fucking hard and beautiful all at the same time.
November seems to bring a beautiful scent in the air... I love it , really who doesn't !
In all honesty , I was dreading the holidays solo.. Since splitting from my significant other life has been ugly , sad, anxious, and chaotic.
But quietly mending...... too be continue!
If i am honest I'm dreading it , because the after math is no joke, loosing weight during these holidays is like me trying to run in the water " IMPOSSIBLE"!!
I ask myself what is so glamorous about thanksgiving , and the answer is NOTHING !!
But it is however another reason too glam up and lets not pretend that the frozen bird won't break through the frozen seals in my fridge and gobble me up instead ....
It sounded better in my head ...
However, this year has been fucking hard and beautiful all at the same time.
November seems to bring a beautiful scent in the air... I love it , really who doesn't !
In all honesty , I was dreading the holidays solo.. Since splitting from my significant other life has been ugly , sad, anxious, and chaotic.
But quietly mending...... too be continue!
Thursday, February 14, 2019
We never know
If there is one thing about life that I can for certain point out is that we just never know .
Life seems certain depending the situation, however that in itself is very uncertain.
I know that for myself I've expected way too much , because I give too much of myself .
If there is one thing that I have learned is too just give enough , so that I can be ready and expectant and not caught of guard.
I've always lived in the reality of situations , and being this was can be good and conflicting.
As a women for example there is this dreamy notion of prince charming taking you away on his high white stallion . This in itself is dreamy and true , however it doesn't last . There is no defect it's just the way it is . But if the bond is great fighting for each other is very possible . If i am honest one of the things that ruins a good thing is distrust , lack of loyalty , and endless secrecy .
Here we are having a good time , well at least it's what I think and next thing you know it wasn't what you expected ...
This is what I mean when I say you never know , not saying that I could be wrong but there is always time for something good, without loosing yourself in the process.
Too understand this concept is rewarding , and as life continues, we roll with the punches and allow a good connection within ourselves .
Happy V Day!
Life seems certain depending the situation, however that in itself is very uncertain.
I know that for myself I've expected way too much , because I give too much of myself .
If there is one thing that I have learned is too just give enough , so that I can be ready and expectant and not caught of guard.
I've always lived in the reality of situations , and being this was can be good and conflicting.
As a women for example there is this dreamy notion of prince charming taking you away on his high white stallion . This in itself is dreamy and true , however it doesn't last . There is no defect it's just the way it is . But if the bond is great fighting for each other is very possible . If i am honest one of the things that ruins a good thing is distrust , lack of loyalty , and endless secrecy .
Here we are having a good time , well at least it's what I think and next thing you know it wasn't what you expected ...
This is what I mean when I say you never know , not saying that I could be wrong but there is always time for something good, without loosing yourself in the process.
Too understand this concept is rewarding , and as life continues, we roll with the punches and allow a good connection within ourselves .
Happy V Day!
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
the moon. & everything else
The blood moon happened , and I wasn't able to observe all its beauty , because I was in the house drinking kamboucha and vaping . On top of that a lot other places it was clear but not so much here where I live .
It's a time for transition and change ... I get the feeling that every full moon It's just going to get better , Im crossing my fingers for the next full moon. Lets just so how much I can wait.. ( i know i am so impatient).
On another note I am trying to compile a list of books to read for this 2019. I want to start a 5 books a month list and journal it as I go .
On my list , well Ill just wait for that ..
I have to report that I have been feeling a lot better than I had before , it sucked before because of the situation that I was in . However , things are looking up slowly and surely .
A small change is coming again , but Ill try to talk about that later.
Mentally , I could be better. I say that because shit gets all fucked up and I somehow can't explain it.
Nothing is perfect , and I like it that way .
It only goes to show me one strength at a time without me rushing to work on my self mess all at once.
I do want to tell you a little short story about something I heard regarding me , and how fucked up it can be when your own family finds it funny too call someone crazy , without thinking if that is clinically true. As a disclaimer , crazy can be almost anything , but some people just have so much malicious intent that they feed off this intent. If that makes any sense .
After Christmas Eve, I was told that this older sibling believes that I have mental issues and that I need medication. Keep in mod she also has told me that her sons girlfriends has mental issues as well . I came to believe that just because someone knows how to have fun , sing, dance and drink a bit doesn't make them crazy. Maybe crazy happy. As the story stops here , when fingers are pointed to others remember this karma works it's way around.
Nevertheless, for very small minded people crazy is such a loose term. With either no to small significance about the word and of course without any medical reference.
I get how talking about others makes you happy, but that isn't a topic of conversation for me because i have a very busy life and the fact that I had too in a small way clear the air is mind boggling, and BORIIIIINNNNG!...
Good Night ,
y.
p.s. sorry for the typos
It's a time for transition and change ... I get the feeling that every full moon It's just going to get better , Im crossing my fingers for the next full moon. Lets just so how much I can wait.. ( i know i am so impatient).
On another note I am trying to compile a list of books to read for this 2019. I want to start a 5 books a month list and journal it as I go .
On my list , well Ill just wait for that ..
I have to report that I have been feeling a lot better than I had before , it sucked before because of the situation that I was in . However , things are looking up slowly and surely .
A small change is coming again , but Ill try to talk about that later.
Mentally , I could be better. I say that because shit gets all fucked up and I somehow can't explain it.
Nothing is perfect , and I like it that way .
It only goes to show me one strength at a time without me rushing to work on my self mess all at once.
I do want to tell you a little short story about something I heard regarding me , and how fucked up it can be when your own family finds it funny too call someone crazy , without thinking if that is clinically true. As a disclaimer , crazy can be almost anything , but some people just have so much malicious intent that they feed off this intent. If that makes any sense .
After Christmas Eve, I was told that this older sibling believes that I have mental issues and that I need medication. Keep in mod she also has told me that her sons girlfriends has mental issues as well . I came to believe that just because someone knows how to have fun , sing, dance and drink a bit doesn't make them crazy. Maybe crazy happy. As the story stops here , when fingers are pointed to others remember this karma works it's way around.
Nevertheless, for very small minded people crazy is such a loose term. With either no to small significance about the word and of course without any medical reference.
I get how talking about others makes you happy, but that isn't a topic of conversation for me because i have a very busy life and the fact that I had too in a small way clear the air is mind boggling, and BORIIIIINNNNG!...
Good Night ,
y.
p.s. sorry for the typos
Sunday, January 6, 2019
Trying to survive
One of the things that doesn't come with a manual is how people treat you .
After living with a family member who in the past I have had issues with and thinking that they had change because of their constant church going self's, I've come to a realization that people don't change or ever will change ..
That only seems to make them worst , and why is that ??
Because, it's a role they have to play and maybe they got tired of playing it.
By far these family members have been the epitome if horrible human beings.
I'm sorry but I can't act that way , at all .. And thinking of it that's my biggest lesson ever.
To not stay with people who in the past have acted so bad and mean to me .
When the tough gets going trust that the universe , it always wolfs in my favor ..
After living with a family member who in the past I have had issues with and thinking that they had change because of their constant church going self's, I've come to a realization that people don't change or ever will change ..
That only seems to make them worst , and why is that ??
Because, it's a role they have to play and maybe they got tired of playing it.
By far these family members have been the epitome if horrible human beings.
I'm sorry but I can't act that way , at all .. And thinking of it that's my biggest lesson ever.
To not stay with people who in the past have acted so bad and mean to me .
When the tough gets going trust that the universe , it always wolfs in my favor ..
I was hoping for something better
I'M LOST FOR WORDS IN THIS POST. BUT AS MY FATE AND ANXIETY HAVE IT I WILL POUR MY HEART OUT AS MUCH AS I CAN .
IT'S JUST BETTER TO WRITE DOWN MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS TO THE WORLD OF THE UNKNOWN .
Around November Alex lost his job so rapidly . It was the most heart breaking time I went through so much emotional anxiety like never before. In my head I was like , what am I going to do ? My three babies, oh my goodness....
And, like that I decided to move in with a family member paying 700.00 dollars for their second dinning room area. Also their downstairs half restroom. Man it's has been the hardest two months ever. The non stop criticism , over non sense . I have had it up to here . Wow, it's exhausting living in a place where your hated for being you and speaking your mind when there is so much unjust ..
I'm not the type of person who sees things and doesn't say anything .
Im dying inside with all of this . It's just the worst feeling if you ask me .
Being a mother of three , I shouldn't be in this position . And I am no longer .
How can people kick a person when she is down and has lost everything ??
You can see where I am going with this and I am out of options.
The universe always has something up it's sleeve.
Good Night!!
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