Soul Searching

               In my many wonders of life and things there is always some kind of endless thought I carry daily. I never talk about it much because , I don't think that anyone has the answer . It's a self journey but in irony of things I feel like I should talk about it here openly. Maybe no one reads this but my thoughts invade space in my brain , and I just have to get things out .

Why are we here ? What is expected of us spiritually ?  whats this life that we are living?

        A lot of the times,  I ask close people I know about this , and all I get is a blank stare.  I believe that soul searching and meaning takes a lot out of us , that it's the reason I or you do it less.  I am always so caught up in my now moment that I forget my reasons. Meditation is key but in busy lives it' seems inevitable. Than , I think about how religion plays a role in my life and I come up short.  How can I touch what can't be seen , and this is what I think ....

         Believe , Believe in the greater good , believe that we are all destined to meet ourselves at the peek of the mountain. Because , through  that journey came a lot of restless legs, sacrifice , discouragement , and lack of hope. The peek felt so unattainable , that once we reached it everything felt well worth it. Thats how life is , but it's so invisible. From , the timing, the setting , the plot of life . Right?

Or is  this just all me?

            There is this notion that having material, and physical goals is all there is too life . For example , social media, I see so many people showing off fancy cars, jewels, plastic surgery etc. And , i think wow that is a sad world to live in . Maybe financially you have it all , but it comes with a sense of loneliness , because you don't know who too trust , and in the meantime everyone  is trying to get a buck while loosing their soul.  It's non of my business thats for sure , but these are some small examples of the world that we live in .

             There was a quote in one of my favorite books called "lonely traveller" that goes, " We often connect being alone  with loneliness, so we tend to shy away from it, but sometimes it's good and necessary to be alone". - Sereno Sky

Maybe the reason for the lack of soul searching is the fear of loneliness , or not knowing where to really start in order to find oneself .

So tell me what are some things you do to find your meaning in this world ?

Betray one

Sometimes I hear these crazy ass stories of people cheating on their spouses or partners of years and think FUCK!

In that moment fear sets in  because I've gone through shit like this in my life . It's the worst feeling in the world.

Cheating isn't Taboo, it's a fucking choice nothing that the other person has done should ever push anyone too cheating .

It's this dissatisfaction , and it's a personal thing . Why? DO men or women cheat?

How selfish can one be too carry an affair and still come home and be like nothing .  This is soul drenching . And for the women , and men that have experience this  I feel your pain .

I've always said it walk away than hurt someone who you " supposedly love". News flash love is never pain , love should never cause hurt.

Love is a lot of things minus those .

In my honest opinion , relationships aren't meant to be perfect , they are meant to experience and live with a significant other so that you can grow. It's obvious that everything has it's limits, situations  or abuse.  There is no such thing as tough love which would include a person cheating or hitting you.<-this ain't love.

No, it's not that.

It's the shadiest thing that I've experience.

In my head I think what the fuck ?? what the fuck ?? Some nerve .

This kind of shit taints a person, and fucking destroys them . Honestly , it's hard to pick up the pieces and try to make sense of things . Just because nothing is the same.

I'VE heard this insane saying that now makes so much sense after years of hearing it  " It takes a lifetime to  gain someones trust , it takes a second to loose it".

In the end there are many choices that we have too take in that moment that will impact the rest of our lives.  And if it feels right that do it , if it doesn't than don't.

Always listen too your Gut.

Peace -

STANDING ALONE

LONELY... 

I'VE GOTTEN THIS AWKAWARD LONELY FEELING FOR THE PAST I DON'T KNOW MONTH OR SO .

Technically I am not lonely , but mentally i feel lonely. 

Maybe it's my depression speaking or just whats unfolding in my life now.

I am not sure what it is , but it's really messing with my brain .  You  know I hate it, because life is so short  and here I am feeling shitty.

I guess it's moments that just seem to happen in our lives, and in this moment everything blows.

The upside to this is that  this funk is manageable  but , I hate the feeling of it's return ".  If that makes any sense.

Ok, Ill speak on something else this is to less melancholy.

Just the other day I sat thinking what would I do if I was stranded on an island all by myself? (real talk )

I'd probably at first be excited to be one with nature, but after the second day start freaking out. Because , I know that I am not alone there . Creatures of all walks of life will be creeping up , and unfortunately  they wouldn't speak my language . And that shit terrifies me, wouldn't it terrify you?.

 The one good thing I would get out of it is learning how to appreciate my existence without complaining and feeling ungrateful. Now in that moment i can say , I would be standing alone. The odd thing is that it's how depression makes you feel , paranoia makes you feel alone. Uncertain of that very moment  that got me there. 

But in hope of soul searching so that I no more have to deal with this, and come out with the feeling of hope and know that I have learn something about myself other than my self pity. It sucks.

There is just so much that we humans need to learn , or In turn I need to learn about myself. The sad thing is that I don't know how to distinguish when I am learning something about myself and blaming it on that very moment.

It all will come too me ( i hope). AS lonely and shitty that life makes me feel , i know that somehow I can prevail , and come out feeling awake and alive. 

For now , i am here .....( not alone on an island ) but here....

-yess
Diary Day 2

Deep Down

FOR A REALLY LONG TIME I'VE DEALT WITH DEPRESSION , EVEN BEFORE I HAD KIDS.

I AM UNFAMILIAR WITH Protocols when it comes too temporal cure . I don't like taking medication unless it's going to cure a cold, or an infection . I mean really who likes medicine. I just think everything is so wrong when they prescribe shit that give you suicidal thoughts or nauseousness ;How can medication that suppose too help make one feel like this?

IT'A TOTAL BS... AND ....

It's crazy , if you ask me this really makes no sense and it's my reason for not taking medication for it.

One of the greatest struggles I have is trying to cope with it , naturally .  It's not simple , dealing with life and this disease . Because , it is a disease without a cure.

There is this however, and  I've come to realize it with time that it's a mind controlling situation.

I am not a neuroscientist , or a medical doctor however , I am a person that has this. I speak solely by experience and the shit that I have to deal with on a daily basis.

Why I say it's a mind controlling disease it's because , of how much power we give our brain to let us be manipulated into a feeling of vulnerability.  It's like an unconscious thing we do and obviously if things in our life are getting chaotic well that definitely doesn't help.

People think that there is a "get over it pill" , but there isn't.  In reality all I can do is just let to pass by and find positive distractions. Do things that I love doing , it will help me think more of that than of this depression .  It's really hard to be around people when I feel this way , but I have hope of a better tomorrow.

In the end , all we have is ourselves, one life  and I hope that if your out there dealing with the same problem I am , just know your not alone.

It's sad , when I hear of people  committing suicide. It's heart breaking , this struggle is real . And , if it was addressed right and dealt with correctly a lot of people would be alive.

THIS IS HARD TO LIVE WITH...

Day 1

peace-

the Breakdown

Imagine how easy it would be to live without expectations, judgment, & simple needs.

The idea would be to just live, live in harmony with yourself, be satisfied without expecting , live without thinking. It's being present .
               Now, how beautiful is that, Im not implying that it isn't now but it's a bit different. See,  I am a complete mess. And , if I want to do certain things ahead of time , I have already started to fail without even beginning. You get it , it's like the universe creates this energy so that everything crumbles, leaving me feeling weary to pick up all the pieces and in the end I feel vulnerable. I have failed  such a small task , I break out in my own head not knowing if I should move on , dwell in my sorrow of stupidity ,  or just break down totally.

Hello , and welcome to my world of anxiety where I loose my cool and have a fight with myself breakout in hives a have a panic attack in which I can't  find away to just be. Instead I'll sit here over thinking , over analyzing .

It's really hard to feel normal for me. And, or maybe this is my type of normal. As I type away how things occur it's not really normal. (hmm)

I'm really having a hard time with this , just because I  don't enjoy  speaking out .

This roller coaster of emotions,  never allows me to be at peace.

I really wished anxiety was so simple.

I've come to feel that it's like a bad disease. See for years I've suffered  with anxiety , I dropped the meds years ago , because they made me feel so nasty.


Medication seems to worsen the situation .

With time , i've learn to live with it  and sometimes I accept it. How do I accept it sometimes  by just making sure I plan ahead. I do this so that I can feel still , and in control.  My surroundings , can be at times hectic so all of this is important.

I think the one thing people need to have with people like me is patience , calm .

Think about it,  it's like being paranoid 24-7 around the clock . It's a very uneasy way of life.

Why ?  I am not sure , why anxiety feels like this.

I will say that , our country needs to help do more with people that have needs.  Mental help is key to living , and being healthy means a lot.

We are always swept under the rug leaving us to be stereotyped as crazy people.

Side note. We aren't crazy , we are just people. ahhhhhhh!

I'm not sure where to go with this. I just thought that I 'd share a bit of me .

Well good night or good morning , my insomnia seems to be on the GO .

Alright well I'm off , see you on the other side.

Religion ?

         I don't speak about religion much , it seems like such a sensitive topic a lot of the times. For , that reason I like to keep my distance when it comes to the things that I might say. Out of respect really, but I am feeling like  I should really speak on this today.

      A little over ten years ago I made a choice , a choice that really turned over a new leaf for me spiritually. I'm not sure what it was or how it happen, but during this time a lot of things were going on in my life. In that time , my brother and sister had found a new religion through his dad.  Mind you I had heard about this religion through high school, and I never was really interested. Being raised a catholic , well that's all I've really ever known.   I practice my faith , but not with such intensity .

    So, when my sister and brother were investigating this other faith ,  which later they baptized .  Of course leaving the catholic church , because they just never went anyways.  It all sounded , good during that time and I eventually converted . Quite frankly, your surrounded by extremely nice people , that it's almost uncomfortable, you interact so much   it's almost like a tiny community . This is something that I was never used too , it was just so, so different.  When I converted to the Mormon faith , a lot comes with it . You have visiting teaching , elders come over for dinner . You go to meetings maybe twice a week . ( maybe i'm just lazy).  And, if  I am honest it's tough the routine.  Religion should never be tough , it should come easy , simple. You go to church in and out and that's it. But it's not , it's more than that . There is a 2hour Sunday block school,  and when you have kids things are just different.  There seems to be a higher expectation . But it's never stuck with me . To go to church everyday , or make it a priority.

 But.....

One of the reasons that I lack going is because the faith is predominately White. The number of blacks and Hispanics is small, and I just have always found that uncomfortable.(with everything going on NOW)  I've never really gotten over it. I hear , yeah we are all children of god , and no one is judging .

No , you can feel the judging and gut feelings don't lie. I however , feel like my kids are missing out on activities,  more godly  interactions.  Then I come back to a realization that no there not missing out , they pray when at home , we speak about god when we are home.  Then maybe  something has to change , I've been at a lost for so long .

  But what can I change ..... it's tough .

Maybe , I am just giving it too much thought. I can't change my catholic ways, I believe in saints but I love knowing I have scriptures for guidance that I got at my LDS church .

As , you see it's all odd and religion seems confusing because I believe in God and just when I think I have religion and what I need to do figured out boom, something stops me .

Heres the million dollar question (per say ) how do you follow one faith without conflicting with what your emotions of what to do that is right ? and not feeling like your letting yourself down at the same time? or How about just not caring  about everything else?

No, this is how my brain works. I can't seem to shake it off.

Yeah , I  know it's odd. Confusing , and I hope one day I can figure it out.

Mother Nature

        
          It seems like lately there are recurrence of disasters day in and day out. They have been so close, yet so far. 

A natural disaster can happen anywhere. Climate change is real, but a lot of things seem strange or at least the way it's reported. 

In no way am I saying that it's not possible all these back to back disasters.  However , I heard of a report that stated that the reason for these natural disasters , are a cause of whats going on in North Korea. According to this report that the constant missile launching is causing a semi sonic wave in the ocean floor , that which is causing an effect in the water. Yeah ! I too am a bit taken back by this report . Once I find the source ill post it on here , but what do you think ? 

You think it's possible too have such a grand reaction from missile testing ? 

It's crazy if it's true, but nothing is certain. I do feel for those kids , families who are being left to fend on their own , during these hard times . The sad part about all this is that it seems that some  people are profiting from these disasters and no one is benefiting from the money donated . 

The sad part is that people are fighting for survival , and how can we get a hold of them without feeling scammed. Unless one travels down there , we know nothing o the help that we give . 
I however have hope and faith the rapid help will come and if you wanna join me in helping those in help email me at coffee_003@hotmail.com.....any little counts, or if you know someone that needs help , lets spread the word together.




Mother nature seems very upset at humanity and her madness is real. 

Take care of our planet it's all we have for upcoming generations.

Bless-

Fall Rant

         
             How great is it that us Californians  are starting to feel the wrath of the fall. Crisp fresh air (not really)  fresh but chilly . Nice breeze , and morning dew. Yeah all that is felt just a bit  before the first day of fall .

The pumpkin spice seems to be the craze out here, but I'll tell you why at times it can be over the top.

Here's my three reasons why pumpkin spice seems to be done wrong during the season. ( not like it matters ) hahahahaha!

1. It's overly sweet. I've had the harsh experience of mt pumpkin spice latte being just too sweet. The sugar that is poured into my coffee feels like a death sentence .  ( it's like slow down this season will last )

2. It's  everywhere, it haunts my dreams  everything is infused with pumpkin spice  and at times it disappoints , here's why . Ill give you a great example , yesterday after going for a grocery run I seen that QUAKER has  limited edition PUMPKIN SPICE oatmeal. I was excited ,and grabbed a box, i thought OK , it's staring . Came home cooked it and blah! it taste like just plain oatmeal . The spice is so distinct , its upsetting.  I made it with almond milk that is flavorless, so it wasn't the milk. ( I'm lactose intolerant ) just had too let the world know . *wink * wink

3. It's all over social media , advertising . Why ? we know that's it's the season. I love the season just not the craze . But , I'm just saying this is plainly my thought .

However, the change in leaves excites me , driving up to the mountains gets me excited around this time . I'm not sure what it is , but there is a sense of beauty in that smell.


The holidays are coming at us , there are only four more months in 2017 , and I'm nervous and happy .
I have some things cooking in my brain , that I will talk about later. So come through , sip on that coffee and enjoy the ride.

No but honestly , coffee is the best ......  can I get an amen to that .!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT YOU CHOOSE ISN'T WHAT YOU ARE

          THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS TOO MAKE MONEY , WHETHER  IT'S A NINE TO FIVE , SIDE JOBS , ONLINE, HUSTLING , MAN THERE ARE WAYS TO GET THINGS DONE.  

HOWEVER , I HEAR SO MUCH SHIT ABOUT GIRLS WHO STRIP ETC. CALLING THESE WOMEN ALL KINDS OF NEGATIVE NAMES. WHY ? ARE WOMEN DEEMED THAT WAY , LIKE WE HAVE TO SUPPORT ONE ANOTHER HUSTLE. NOT LOOK DOWN ON THEM , THE STRUGGLE IS REAL FOR EVERYONE THAT ISN'T HANDED THINGS ON A GOLD PLATTER. 

I SAY WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE IT , WE ALL GONNA DIE , THAN WHY BUG OUT ABOUT SOMEONES  WORK ETHIC. JUST CAUSE YOUR A DANCER THAT DON'T MEAN NOTHING .
THERE ALL KINDS OF DANCERS , SO STOP ALL THIS NON SENSE .

THIS IS THE BAD THING ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA . THE LACK OF PERSPECTIVE , AND A WHOLE LOT OF DISRESPECT .

WE HAVE PEOPLE ON HOLLYWOOD WHO MADE IT DOING THINGS THAT JUST , YOU KNOW MADE THEM RICH . AND YOU DON'T HEAR ALL KINDS OF NONSENSE , WHY ? OH,  BECAUSE THEY HAVE MADE THEMSELVES FAMOUS ENOUGH SO PEOPLE WITH A GOOD REPUTATION CAN HELP THEM ERASE THIS NEGATIVE PATH THAT GOT THEM WHERE THERE AT. (just saying) 

LOOK EVERYONE THEIR OWN ,  I'M JUST SAYING RESPECT THE WORK AND STOP LOOKING DOWN ON WOMEN , OR MEN FOR THAT MATTER  FOR DOING WHAT GETS THEIR BILLS PAID.

WE ARE ALL STRUGGLING , IF IT'S GONNA GET YOUR SCHOOL PAID , FEED YOUR KIDS,  YOU DO YOU . FORGET THE WORLD , WE COME ALONE , SO WE STRUGGLE ALONE  WE ARE ALL ON OUR OWN OUT HERE. 

I'M JUST SAYING .

TUESDAYS THOUGHT-

SOMETIMES IT'S HARD

I'M NOT SURE ABOUT YOU , BUT FOR ME IT'S HARD TO MOVE ON FROM A TRAGEDY , OR SOMETHING THAT CAUSED ME PAIN .

ONE OF THE THINGS THAT DOESN'T HELP IS THE LACK OF FRIENDS  THAT I HAVE .  HOW CAN ONE TRUST WHEN ONE HAS BEEN BETARYED SO BAD THAT THERE IS NO RETURN. HOW ?

THAT HAS BEEN MY DILLEMA WITHOUT MUCH DETAIL , HOW CAN I REGAIN TRUST ?

I AM GUESSING  IT WILL TAKE TIME TO GET EVERYTHING TOGETHER . BUT TRUST ONCE IT'S LOST , IT'S LOST.

TRUST IS HARD TO GAIN AGAIN ONCE IT HAS BEEN BETRAYED.

OR YOU TELL ME HOW DID YOU REGAIN TRUST  WHEN SOMEONE BETRAYED YOU?


I CAN LIVE WITH MYSELF KNOWING THAT IM STILL TRUSTED.

IM JUST HAVING A HARD TIME MOVING ON SPIRITUALLY.

BLABBER!

I've Been Gone

SO MUCH SHIT HAS BEEN GOING ON . I KNOW THAT IT'S NOT  A GOOD IDEA , BUT I SHOULD WARN YOU , ITS PRETTY DARN CRAZY  AND SAD AT THE SAME TIME HAHA.

FIRST , I WAS COMPUTERLESS WAIT IS THAT EVEN A WORD. COMPUTER LESS EHM!  MAYBE NOT , MY INTERNET SUCKS. AND WELL DOING VBLOGS JUST WASN'T ON MY MOJO AGENDA.

A LOT OF PERSONAL FUCKED UP SHIT REALLY GOT MY LIFE INTO SHAMS. BUT THAT WAS AND IS WAY TOO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT THAT.

THE WEATHER HAS BEEN SO CRAZY HERE IN THE VALLEY , I STOPPPED DOING YOGA , I WENT THROUGH SUCH A TRAGEDY THAT I LOST MY MOJO. I'M TRYING TO GET BACK INTO IT JUST CAUSE'  TIS THE RIGHT THING.

FOR NOW IM JUST SINKING INTO MY DEPRESSION FILLED BY COFFEE AND BOOKSS. YEAH I SAID IT . I HAVE BEEN HAVING SO MUCH DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY . IT'S HORRIBLE
LIKE WTF MOMENT EVERY OTHER DAY . HEY REAL TALK I'M NOT SUPPOSE TO FEEL LIKE THIS , IM HEALTHY GOD HAS BEEN GOOD , SO WHY THE FEEL LIKE THIS .

GUESS WHAT ? IT'S SOMETHING THAT I CAN'T EXPLAIN . IT JUST HAPPENS , AND LET ME TELL YOU THE CHOCOLATE INDULGENCE IS REAL . AND IT AIN'T GOIN NOWHERE.

CHOCLATE IS BOSS REALLY. THE OLDER YOU GET , SOUR PUNCH CANDIES BECOME THE THING OF ONES PAST AND IT'S LIKE "HELLLLO DARK CHOCOLATE WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE" OBVIOUSLY IT'S BEEN THERE ALL ALONG BUT JUST NEVER DISCOVERED BY ME TILL NOW.

RIGHT NOW IM TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH SCRATCHERS. YES I AM A TOTAL 1$ GAMBLER , I'LL SPEND FIVE OF THOSE 3TIMES IN A MONTH. AND SO ILL JUST SAVE MY WINNINGS FOR THE REAL DEAL *WINK *WINK

I CAN SAY WITH ALL HONESTY .....

I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH SOME FUCKED UP SHIT.

BUT I'VE COME TO REALIZE , IT FEELS THAT WAY  BUT IN ALL REALITY THERE ARE OTHERS HAVING IT HARDER... AND I SNAP OUT OF THIS FUNK.'

SOON ILL BE MAKING REAL CHEESE aka MONEY.  SO LETS SEE IF IT ALL WORKS OUT.

WELL TILL LATER. STAY SAFE ...