I woke up super darn early 4 am to be exact only too stay up and drive my happy self to STARBUCKS. As Im in the drive thru , I think about why am I awake ?
It's Sunday , my day isn't really planned for anything important and I want to just sleep . I have episodes of insomnia , and maybe I have to change something in my life , change how I feel .
I'm not as busy as I should be , but since I'm trying to find my mojo and really trying to figure out what my life is about , I feel like I have developed or maybe I'be always had adhd. My focus is horrible , talking to a group of people or having to go outside causes my anxiety , but I talk myself out of this fear . It really isn't going 100 percent .
This idea that I can't hold my mind to just that one thing sucks . I want to do it all .....
It's Friday already , the Week flew by so quick . I took videos and pictures and so many of them .
Heres how it went ...
A little recap of life this week , I finished the week with hearing from an old friend, and a never ending ted talk session with someone in my life .
The one thing that I find so irritating is that I have to always be arguing my side of the story to the same person about the same thing. I've come to figure out that , my side won't ever be heard so , I'm tired .
My soul has been exhausted , and my anxiety has been racing at 100 bpm. (no exaggeration ) One thing that I learned about myself is that maybe, just maybe I might have social anxiety; On top of how I feel.
Than this ---->
Let me explain what happened to me and you can kind of tell me if it's me or just something else . A while back like two months ago , I experienced something so horrible . Ugh ! here I go!! (sorry I hate remembering )
I had to go to Costco on an errand , mind you I went late in the evening and as you can imagine this place was a mad house , it was so effin packed. People everywhere , I felt like I was walking into a scene of the walking dead . These people really made me feel suffocated , as I'm walking around I begin feeling so nervous , my head starts spinning I started feeling so nauseous . OmG it was the worst , my asthma starts kicking in at this point I have completely forgotten what I even came to get .
I walked out with my head down and began to run , i stop by my car and suddenly I realized shit I can't be here ...While sitting in my car I suddenly feel safe ; safe from the world , from everything ( so it made sense in my head ) . I finally start driving off . I bump loud music so that way I can distract myself and not think.
This has to be my turning point .. I can't be in a place full of people all at once .
It is the scariest feeling , I've never felt this way until now . I've never encountered something so intense .
So now If I have to go somewhere I have to be there as soon as it opens, where everyone is asleep or barley getting there.
My little tribe hates that , I hear; " mom why so early , mom Im tired , It's to early " (it's repetitive)....
