EX ISTENCE

GOOD MORNING WORLD!

I WOKE FEELING A BIT UNEASY . I DONT' KNOW WHY SOMETIMES I FEEL THE WAY I DO . MY ANXIETY CAN BE A TOTAL ASSHOLE

REALLY .. IT IS WHAT IT IS AT THIS POINT.  THERES NOT MUCH TO  EXPECT ANYMORE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND CERTAIN PATTERNS THAT I HAVE THAT REALLY BOGGLE MY MIND . AS TOO WHY I AM THE WAY I AM ..  AS,  I WAS READING ; "JUST KIDS BY PATTI SMITH ", THE CHARACTERS SEEM A BIT LOST IN TRANSLATION AS TO WHERE THEY NEED TO BE IN there LIFE OR WHATS EXPECTED OF THEM .

THAT OPENS  up a big picture of what I need to be doing with my life or where do I need to be ...

But in my own mind and the theory that i have come up with  is ; What is life if it isn't enjoyed by every experience or  what is life if you're not loving what you do . There is this big stigma of what is expected and what you need to be doing by what time on your life . I ask myself why ?  Isn't this is OUR OWN life. Can't we just live by our own rules ?  Don't we dictate the what ifs  and the hows ...

Im not sure where I am getting with this , but what I do know is that I can't measure up to anyone or I won't even dare to try .

We live to experience the world around us as so we see fit . The choices are there to be made  by us .

Why does the world complicate our expectancy ?

What if we woke up dead tomorrow . Will it be a waste?

Nothing Changes

For about 10 plus years, i always wondered what my life would be without this person and here I am without him , And guess what it has been the same shit.
 I have really given up on this idea of love and thought, I can't handle how' bad my anxiety is.Yes, I am seeking help this isn't fun , nor do I ever find it funny or judgmental when someone is going through something like this . It's hard waking up  and feeling like shit . I hate that feeling that I won't ever feel normal .

Through the years and time I can't remember the time that I felt normal . What is normal? Really without loosing my shit ??

I mean obviously we all have a moment of oh shit more so then others . Im just torn between what has to be and  what is. Im not crazy really just not fully stable , with my feelings . The only times Im feeling normal is when my kids are around . The are really my saving grace , they are what helps me get up and fight . Im grateful for them .... Im not saying that Im normal but I feel at ease , I'm just like ok ..

No one that goes through daily struggles wants this or these feelings.

Im signing off.

quiet

how do i just sit still , and not allow my brain to overthink and just be in the present moment. I can't ever deal , or live quietly in my head .

I find myself being in this position of weakness , and I just need my own space , one of the things that use to help me growing up was going to the beach. Yet now Im all over the place just thinking .

I hate thinking , I like just existing if thats the case it's not always helpful but I can't hep feel this way.

Many months ago , I needed to go in for therapy and what not , but I found myself being scared of getting called crazy . Fuck, Im not . I just have to figure out life , I know I need mental help .... But , ugh!

How can a human being  not be able to be themselves , or like how can one cope without the need of medication.

I've tried Yoga, meditation , herbs ... ugh ! something has too give.

if there is anyone out there suffering or going through such how are you coping ?

ANXIETY

I FIND MYSELF ALWAYS BEING AND IN  A HECTIC SPACE.

EVERY TIME I LOG ON HERE IT SEEMS THAT WAY, MAYBE BECAUSE IT'S MY SAFEHAVEN. IN SOME WAY IM NOT SURE WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON WITH ME .

THERE HAS BEEN MANY TURN OF EVENTS THAT HAVE CAUSED MY ANXIETY TO ACT UP.

I GOT INJURED AT WORK WHICH WAS A NIGHTMARE REALLY , AND NOW IM on bed rest typing with one hand.

I've been watching shirley, and its amazing . Funny and really creepy

This is day two of my shenanigans .