WHOLE

Have you ever wondered what is your purpose in life?

Or ever felt like there is something that you are suppose to do and aren't fulfilling it, but don't know really what it is?

It's funny how the universe works at the time of our birth , like we are here for A REASON, but what clues have we seen to know that this is our purpose; I know that we all have something too do here on earth , but I get confused all the time because, I have no clue what I am suppose to be full filling. (blank stare)

Like is it when you really have a passion for that something  and just really enjoy  that something that   is what your suppose to fulfill and is that your purpose ? ( do I make sense ?)

I keep thinking every day how I am suppose to live or who I am suppose to be , I am a something thirty year old who is still clueless , is that a fair way to say it " clueless".

It's like I am always rolling with the punches , but I still end up feeling so empty  why?

Nothing is suppose to feel that way  or be this way. Life is self explanatory so why the fuck do I feel unfulfilled ? 

There are days that I stare at the window , and feel a sense of sadness.

Fuck , it's bothersome  and so shitty.

One of the things is that, I love music and in someway this helps me out, not to surrender to these bad thoughts about life.

See I don't hate life , at times were boxing it out for  survival , but I am grateful ...

SO tell me is it just me , or do you believe we have a higher purpose on this earth???

peace-
yess

Natal Self..I am trying to figure myself out..

 I am often asked what makes me feel so fucked up ? (blank stare)

If I am honest , I don't know .

One of the things that I tried looking up was my zodiac sign birth chart , and as far as I know my sign is for the most part melancholic.

The sun rules over me with my venus being scorpio. Ill post on here this chart..

And if I am honest I believe in zodiac signs and celestial things.

Zodiac : Tropical
	Sun		Capricorn	6°31'
	Moon		Scorpio	2°33'
	Mercury		Capricorn	12°18'	R
	Venus		Scorpio	26°07'
	Mars		Libra	22°58'
	Jupiter		Sagittarius	25°13'
	Saturn		Scorpio	13°41'
	Uranus		Sagittarius	10°58'
	Neptune		Sagittarius	29°15'
	Pluto		Scorpio	1°43'
	Lilith		Pisces	1°54'
	Asc node		Gemini	15°45'

Your Personal Natal Chart

Capricorns can sometimes be rather lonely people, although they rarely let it show. They are often a little reserved--even standoffish. This is generally because they value all things practical, and they'll seldom wear their emotions on their sleeves, unless they have a particularly flamboyant Moon sign. This is a sign that is surely the most resourceful of the zodiac. To some, Capricorns come across as unimaginative, but they can be enormously creative when it comes to the material world. They are generally very capable people with a strong sense of tradition and responsibility. 

(https://astro.cafeastrology.com/natal.ph)

Most of what I've read on myself is right on .. There are a lot of things that are like oh shit ..

check it out   This helps me understand myself more deeply..

Blabs // Words

I think today is a bit different , I am not sure if its the weather or things are clearing up . Either way good morning world. I woke feeling grounded , and a bit less junkie ...

Sometimes things don't add up in my heart but in my head they make sense  without  question my prerogative .

I'm not sure if any of this is considered normal , but overtime when i  write things and (make mental notes) to tell myself that  this will be  OK , and  to try to be care free . Without overwhelming  myself.

  In reality life doesn't always makes sense , the energy that's out in the world is tumultuous and stressful. Maybe it's that . Who knows for sure but there are just days that are full of light , and free.

Being,  away from social media is like detoxing .  There is always this agenda with the media world that changes the way we look at our lives and the perspective ..

Why does it even exist ?? It does more harm than good I believe .

Yesterday , was a day of busy work , schooling and over thinking ..

I keep having some odd dreams that don't allow me to rest peacefully , maybe they come from a subconscious place or it's just some Bullshit ..

I tried looking for work yesterday and guess how that went ?? NOTHING BAD UNABLE TO COMPLETE THE TASK .


I AM  not sure why I even keep fooling myself to work ,  I  have had BS little jobs but the worst one was UBER /LYFT .. It's odd how people can just do it . My problem is the fact that I pick up energies and the  feelings  some people either get me nervous , anxious  or they suck the life out of me ....  ODD??

Will in other news what do you guys think of STEVIE NICKS??

peace ,
yess

This is NoT a CHOICE!

After and exhausting night , I am back and feeling better ,not 100 but better than yesterday that is for sure.

Sometimes life really throws balls at me,  and being the way I am I fell like I have no control.  I don't think that I am always up for a challenge when my plate is full.

Too many changes , duties for all these mind  games and maybe I don't want to TAKE LIFE so seriously just because I end up feeling like I am stuck in a rut.

My body feels better , I just wished I could change my ways and this attitude that I dislike so very much . Nothing is complete if I am not feeling incomplete. you feel me .

Being a really lonely person really fucks with your psych. It's not a healthy lifestyle really . But , I've gotten use to this idea .

I have been told that sometimes we dig ourselves into this funk , I say HELL NO who wants to live like this . Never in my life I would've thought that was going to be me . Lonely !! . but I always find things and reasons on why I don't like having close people near me . ( so maybe it's a choice ?) No i don't have a BFF or Friends .  I've always leaned to making more guy friends than female friends , and because I am married I respect my spouse to the point of I rather be alone than making him feel weird about this .

 It is what it is really ...

But my depression comes from a deeper place and really I am not sure why half of the time . Or where this comes from . ( this is a loosing point)

It's an unsolved mystery and it will stay this way , until I find those good folks.... that will help me realize this ...or figure it out..

You know ,as I am typing this I was thinking to myself , Why didn't I buy me that red wine and cheese I wanted .. I missed out and maybe that would've helped my shitty funk ...

I will stock up on red wine today  I need it ...

anyways well back to my real life and less  spilling my beans all over my blog .

thats all folks ...



peace
yes

This isn't happening

I woke up too get to work this morning , not really feeling 100 percent . I had been awake since 3 am , with a nightmare that had been lingering through the wee hours of the night. I am not sure why I was up so early and why this nightmare was even there. This is what I do know , that it has triggered my Anxiety full force..

I can feel my heart beating fast , and my stomach turning over and over this is the worst feeling in the world ...I can't stay this way I hate it ..

I'm not even sure why it's lingering around me , I'm ok in every other aspect . It's like a weird feeling outside of myself ..

My chest hurts .

I have blank thoughts I just need to be out of my head without it affecting me whole being .

How does one do that without feeling like shit

Ah! man Im really hating myself for what I am going through mentally .. The only thing that somewhat worked was going to the beach , but I live so dam far ..

I think I need to get my fucking shit together .. and maybe that might help I kind of know the source of my feelings but I am not 100 percent .

Body Ache

I hate that my body is an alarm clock . It wakes up so early and wants to knock out early, is this what getting old feels like?

It sucks ...

However my morning routine consist of reading, knitting , yoga and meditation .....

and then I am tired all day ..


ahhh!! FML

this tired feeling is horrible , but it something that has stayed with me since I was young 2nd grade young. We lived so far and I went  to school in Inglewood, and lived in Long Beach woke up at 3 am Monday-Friday to go to catch the bus with my mom. We wouldn't get back until around 8pm go to sleep and repeat. So i believe in someway this stayed with me mentally add physically and it hasn't changed , and I hate it . Alex is nocturnal he can be awake all night and sleep all day ... ugh the drag!

So my body feels so worn out , that I am here like I need a vacation asap!

One of only getaways that helps me clear my mind is blogging , and it's my personal journal hence the reason I don't care too much for grammar. Sorry not sorry I guess .

This is me pouring out all my aches and pains , what are your aches and pains??

xo-yess

Moving//Junk

OH MYYYYYYY!! I HAVE TWO WEEKS TO MOVE

Half of my house isn't all packed up , i work on the weekends and i homeschool , what time do I have ??

Why have I accumulated a dam jungle of items, and somehow I have a detachment problem , yeah I know it blows, but it's what happens , right??

I have been sick , so thats a bonus! ( sarcasm inserted here)

And while a blog all this wonkier business of mine I press play on " Florence + The machine station". Thom Yorke is badass... just thought I'd throw that in ..

OK , so back to this junk situation  how and where do I start ..

It gets me anxious and you know what I feel like doing is grabbing everything and dumping that shit dust off my shoulders and walk away with my middle finger in the sky , and repeating to myself I don't need that shit!! (fantasy ) if only!!....


Lets see if everything works out , I am guessing the universe is really on my side
too move!!

bye
short late.. post

Shitttt

For the past couple of years in California has been very tough in every single way .

It is crazy ridiculous how expensive this state is getting really . Somewhere I read that in order to survive in here somewhat comfortably you need to be making more than 20 dollars and Hour, what no job pays that  without a degree... And lets just not talk about education cost. its' insane.......

How are regular people like me suppose to survive, I have an idea how about 3 jobs , attend school and continue to struggle ... No wonder there are a ton of people  living in one apartment or even a house ...

With all this said these are times for a change , in which poverty  should not exist  but this  country begs to differ...

I work for a sub contracted company for amazon , and as a driver the days are long and the pay is bonkers.. We run in and out of vans for over ten hours and my knees are killing me at the end of the day . My day starts if from 280-290 packages, with up to 220 stops driving a big van , it's crazy ... Whats the upside , you work on your own and deal with zero to some people . Otherwise it's nuts. A lot of drivers quit do to the pressure and high demand of amazon .  We have no insurance  and people who work in this line of work are very prone to injury .... How is any of this ok ?? Demand , customer service and necessity .... but thats life.... right ??

Work Hard ... Period...

Another thing is it's kinda the only thing that can make life work .... living with other family members.

In my situation I can really only rely on my mother (tears)
she is my rock , and without her I am nothing . She has been my support system morally , and as I look at the situation that I am , Im just stunned how she has been there and never turned on me.

I hate this fucking struggle , I know I am not the only one.  This country is full of folks who are in this position , and I feel you it's depressing not having what you need to survive...I am almost thinking of moving to mexico so i can survive this shit.....

However, I am hopeful that I can change my situation whatever it may be ...

heres a jam that I love and hate ...

it makes me cry.. but laugh makes sense good night!
peace- yess

Seasons

I woke this morning with a raspy thought , clogged throat and head pounding. The sun is shinning so bright through my window that my head is killing me .. ( the liggghht *yells)

Im not sure what happened , last night but I knocked out cold... This sickness is being a sucker ..
The body aches are ridiculously . You know what the crazy thing is that I NEVER GET THIS SICK ..

waahwahhah!

I can only breathe through one nostril , and that isn't cool at all...My asthma is kicking in , which sucks!!!!!!!!

I know everything is making me feel NAGGY <---- is that a word.

SO that my friends is a red flag that the seasons are coming by so fast !
This year has really flown by so quickly, the summer sucked it you ask me ...It was way too Hot!!!!

I guess thats why they call it summer....

Don't you hate  that change of season so fast?

and people wonder we get so sick so fast..

peace-
yess...
( small ramble since my head is about to explode) no a good post but ill be back on here tomorrow!

Down

Yesterday when I was feeling all over the place , I was just in my head trying to make sense of things .

It's not always what I want , I don't crave to be in this state ...

Who does, and  it's never an easy escape.

One of the things I did right after yesterdays post  I began listening to BOB MARLEY! Man, I will tell you this ,his music has  really pulled me out of myself  and placed my feelings into something unknown.


He always comes to the rescue for years he has always helped me , his lyrics are therapy.  his message is love , and too love yourself because we are ALL  we have .

It's never easy , but when I speak about feeling beside yourself this is what I meant ..

Depression fucks you up !!!
 I am forever grateful for BOB MARLEYS MUSIC  and what it has done for me .

 In these times we need someone like him. (that good vibration)

There is always something so great about pulling yourself out of this  slump feeling ..

It's almost sad , yet   Irie .....

All in all there is so much to life....I hope one day I can live with ought feeling how I felt yesterday or for the matter everyday!

Peace-
yess

Mental ....

This is such a hard topic , it hits home from all angels .

As a child I was bullied a lot , beat up daily by my own cousin for years I never spoke up about it to my mother because , it was the only place we could afford to live with my aunt.  In a way I was aware but hurting and suffering .

I just wasn't the type of child who made life complicated for my mother because ,she was trying her best and I didn't went to mortify her.

In the years following  I had a lot of headaches and sometimes I wonder  if what I have has some connection to what I suffer. Who knows..

I've had chronic depression or years , took medication and it made me feel suicidal so I vowed never to take medication  again .

How do I deal with it ??

I fight a lot with my head ,  my soul  basically all of me ..

I just have to fight .. and sometimes I hate myself for how much  I do ..

The cope mechanism  is crazy ........

It's a lonely melancholic battle

I don't know how Alex deals with me , but I am grateful for how much he has helped me...

Recently I woke up with  an Anxiety Attack , my body was just hurt too much  I felt like running  and loosing myself so I can't feel this  pain ..

Im hoping to come out of these feelings alive and well , I know I will
but if you know someone struggling be there for them in anyway possible .

Books turned into Movies

OK , so I hope I hear back on this topic ...

Not many years back there was a series of vampire stories, shows, books etc. Way back when , and frankly it was a cool time . I know I was obsessing over  the originals, & the vampire diaries , and the very famous New Moon , Eclipse I forgot the other book.  These were the fun times  right .. and for many it still is . I delight myself in binging in these types of books and even shows.... But what happens when books are so beautifully written and  they are turned into Film.

First off ,let me begin by saying I have nothing against film , i love movies  shit who doesn't  right ?

However , when a book has so many cool parts too it you want to see the same written in a film , in my mind it's a type of justice.  Because , someone spends so much time , heart , and thought writing a book that the magic should be easily translated . Sadly , this has very solemnly been the case ...

One of the Sagas that I believed was destroyed was the Twilight Series. OK , these books were so addicting , well written with so much literal impact in my brain that I couldn't put my book down. It was like watching a fast forward mode. Mind you these books were so long , but when they are so good the thickness doesn't even matter. ( irrelevant i know , just saying).

But I felt the writer got no kind of credit , or justice for her work , the booked seemed to be cut in less than half only to make it fit to the time slot of the film .

Why???

Somehow this author was buzzing and slowly hasn't written anything remotely as big . But my point is how these authors are lost  and their work is slowly swept under the rug, and for this reason I hate books being made into films.

I am currently reading Children of Blood and Bone  and as I recollect what has happened in the past with the past series I've read,  I have my fingers crossed that none of what I fear will happen. The author is just amazing !....This is a must in every ones bookshelf.. 

Let  me know what you think , or am I tripping ??

See you guys later..
 - yesss

Change

I'm not a normal human being

my feelings are beyond what I can understand

sometimes i hate being alive and sometimes I don't

maybe it's my secret or quiet personality

i know it can't be my alter ego

In my transition of change I want TO not feel this way

I want to feel solid , with no other interruptions

In reality it's hard

Because , of my friend Anxiety & Depression

I've asked normal beings how do they do it to be still and just enjoy life with nothing hindering it, all i get is I don't know i was born this way .....

.....

silence ,

i guess it is what it is ...

Personal

As I was walking down the street the other day I noticed a bunch of girls laughing so loud and endless, I almost chuckled with them instead I kept my composure and kept walking. In my head all I can think about was how I wish I had a great group of good friends that I can count on.  Sike , that is impossible, heres why .

Ever since I was small I've had horrible luck with girl friendships, I'm not sure why . Sometimes I think I am a defective human being and thats why no one can ever be friend me .  For years , I tried being  that good friend only to be used . Crazy ! During those moments  I really thought i had good friends , talk about being naive.

Forward many years later and I realized that I am a guys girl. Meaning that I am more in tune with guys than girls . Why? For the most part its because I love sports, politics, and talk about random shit , and other girls aren't for it. AT this stage in my life my solitude has gained me experience and self discovery that maybe I would have never figured out . It sucks feeling lonely sometimes . But I remind myself that I have me , and that in the end it will be just me.

Is that selfish ??

Im not sure, but the way that life has hinted me makes me believe that it's what I am destined.
The only person close to me is Alex. And for the most part he's everyones friend , and he has always question my lack of friendships at one point .  But I don't know how to explain why? just bad luck ..

I always wish I understood this , but my lack of judgment has brought me here so I have no one to blame. But sometimes it feels depressing . Which triggers my non stop anxiety . It sucks ....

If you have dealt with similar feelings how have you dealt with it?

I am trying  to save and hold back tears,
goodnight!