HE ART ACH ES

As this day had come to a start, FEB. 14 I sat here dreading it .

 Im not a big fan of a day used for capitalism . I mean hey if thats your mojo then so be it.  

In regards to the day itself , Im not sure but ,for the past 10 plus years it has been a bit of a turn off this day . 

I mean you would think love and, all its glory , but what is love ? (poses the question)

 I mean I love the del taco vegan layer burrito, I love french fries, I love gym clothes .. You see , I love, love this and that ... So what can be love ? 

The term love is a feeling , but when you love from the mind , body and soul , that can be quite different .

 I have never experienced that because I am so scared of that experience that I won't allow myself to be in that position. The act of vulnerability scares me . 

I'm scarred internally , that doesn't mean that I won't give love to others , I just won't allow myself  to experience  it first handAS much . If that makes any sense . How can I be in love with another being , I love myself but not the feeling of vulnerability . (scatter brain) *wink wink 

People call me sad , bitter ,but  frankly Im not . I wanna love , just not in that way .

I want to say Im guarded . Literally I know .....

IS that bad??

Cheers anyways to the love or idea of love . It gives me ANXIETY!!! 

T I M E

When I think about what this year has been my heart aches, and quietly cries. This year has been short of great. I can say that it has been so HARD....

With my kids father leaving me for another women , moving on so swiftly with no care in the world I feel as If this pain will never go away . I settle for less then I deserve , dating someone who treats me worst then he did ... What am I really searching for?

Sometimes nothing seems to help , I have some great people  but this is beyond that .

As I sit here and just contemplate and text away with my good friend , why ?

Do we women settle for less? Why can't we accept the solitude for what it is and just live and enjoy each moment ?

My conclusion is we were accustomed , and we lived in such a way that always involved family .

However, it's always better to let go and heal . I've learned this the hard way to be completely honest. Sometimes it's the hidden pain that we have to go through that helps us see the blessing .

It's a bit of a contradiction . But life itself is just this way ..

One thing that I have learned is that dating SUCKS! It's hard and complicated , I feel like  trust has become a great issue.  Trust within myself , trust in others , and how can I be happy when I don't trust .

Im just slowly learning to be with myself , and accept the trials and tribulation that arrises.

Life isn't always bad ; but complicated .. I know many women that are going through emotional withdrawals , heart aches , and everything else in between ..

It's hard!

Im ranting but this is my journey  to recovery , it's not easy ...

11.26.2019

It' S beginning to look like like I am about to stuff my face kind of holiday ...

If i am honest I'm dreading it , because the after math is no joke, loosing weight during these holidays is like me trying to run in the water " IMPOSSIBLE"!!

I ask myself what is so glamorous about thanksgiving , and the answer is NOTHING !!

 But it is however another reason too glam up and lets not pretend that the frozen  bird won't break through the frozen seals in my fridge   and gobble me up instead ....

It sounded better in my head ...

However, this year has been fucking hard and beautiful all at the same time.

November seems to bring a beautiful scent in the air... I love it , really who doesn't !

In all honesty , I was dreading the holidays solo.. Since splitting from my significant other life has been ugly , sad, anxious, and chaotic.

But quietly mending...... too be continue!

We never know

If there is one thing about life that I can for certain point out is that we just never know .

Life seems certain depending the situation, however that in itself is very uncertain.

I know that for myself I've expected way too much , because I give too much of myself .

If there is one thing that I have learned is too just give enough , so that I can be ready and expectant and not caught of guard.

I've always lived in the reality of situations , and being this was can be good and conflicting.

As a women for example there is this dreamy notion of prince charming  taking you away on his high white stallion .  This in itself is dreamy and true , however  it doesn't last . There is no defect it's just the way it is . But if the bond is great  fighting for each other is very possible .  If i am honest one of the things that ruins a good thing is distrust , lack of loyalty , and endless secrecy .

Here we are having a good time , well at least it's what I think  and next thing you know it wasn't what you expected ...

This is what I mean when I say you never know , not saying that I could be wrong but there is always time for something good, without loosing yourself in the process.

Too understand this concept is rewarding , and as life continues, we roll with the punches and allow a good connection within ourselves .

Happy V Day!

the moon. & everything else

The blood moon happened , and I wasn't able to observe all its beauty , because I was in the house drinking kamboucha and vaping . On top of that a lot other places it was clear but not so much here where I live .

It's  a time for transition and change ... I get the feeling that every full moon  It's just going to get better , Im crossing my fingers for the next full moon. Lets just so how much I can wait.. ( i know i am so impatient).

On another note I am trying to compile a list of books to read for this 2019.  I want to start  a 5 books a month list and journal  it as I go .

On my list , well Ill just wait for that ..


I have to report that I have been feeling a lot better than I had before , it sucked before because of the situation that I was in . However , things are looking up slowly and surely .

A small change is coming again , but Ill try to talk about that later.

Mentally , I could be better. I say that because shit gets all fucked up and I somehow can't explain it.

Nothing is perfect , and I like it that way .
It only goes to show me one strength at a time without me rushing to work on my self mess all at once.
I do want to tell you a little short story about something I heard regarding me , and how fucked up it can be when your own family finds it funny too call someone crazy , without thinking if that is clinically true. As a disclaimer , crazy can be almost anything , but some people just have so much malicious intent  that they feed off this intent. If that makes any sense .

After Christmas Eve, I was told that this older sibling believes that I have mental issues and that I need medication. Keep in mod she also has told me that her sons girlfriends has mental issues as well . I came to believe that just because someone knows how to have fun , sing, dance and drink a bit doesn't make them crazy.  Maybe crazy happy. As the story stops here , when fingers are pointed to others remember this karma works it's way around.

Nevertheless, for very small minded people crazy is such a loose term. With either no to small significance about the word and of course without any medical reference.

I get how talking about others makes you happy, but that isn't a topic of conversation for me  because i have a very busy life  and the fact that I had too in a small way clear the air is mind boggling, and BORIIIIINNNNG!...

Good Night ,
y.

p.s. sorry for the typos

Trying to survive

One of the things that doesn't come with a manual is how people treat you .

After living with a family member who in the past I have had issues with and thinking that they had change because of their constant  church going self's, I've come to a realization that people don't change or ever will change ..

That only seems to make them worst , and why is that ??

Because, it's a role they have to play  and maybe they got  tired of playing it.

By far these family members have been the epitome if horrible human beings.

I'm sorry but I can't act that way , at all .. And thinking of it that's my biggest lesson ever.

To not stay with people who in the past have acted so bad and mean to me .


When the tough gets going trust that the universe , it always wolfs in my favor ..

I was hoping for something better

I'M LOST FOR WORDS IN THIS POST. BUT AS MY FATE AND ANXIETY HAVE IT I WILL POUR MY HEART OUT AS MUCH AS I CAN .

IT'S JUST BETTER TO WRITE DOWN MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS TO THE WORLD OF THE UNKNOWN .

Around November Alex lost his job so rapidly . It was the most heart breaking time I went through so much emotional anxiety like never before. In my head I was like  , what am I going to do ? My three babies, oh my goodness....

And, like that I decided to move  in with a family member paying 700.00  dollars for  their second dinning room area.  Also their downstairs half restroom. Man it's has been the hardest two months ever.  The non stop criticism , over non sense . I have had it up to here . Wow, it's exhausting living in a place where your hated for being you and speaking your mind when there is so much unjust ..

I'm not the type of person who sees things and doesn't say anything .

Im dying inside with all of this . It's just the worst feeling if you ask me . 

Being a mother of three , I shouldn't be in this position . And I am no longer .

How can  people kick a person when she is down  and has lost everything ?? 

You can see where I am going with this and I am out of options. 

The universe always has something up it's sleeve.

Good Night!!

Tough

As much as I want to not talk about this I am .

I am loosing my fucking mind.

Everything seems out of wack and all I want too do is RUUUUUUNNNN!!!

I THOOUGHT THAT BY TODAY I WOULD BE SOLVED..

but things are getting more and more intense all is collapsing


I don't know how too help  my loved one.

She is helpless  and it breaks me into all kinds of bits and pieces.

I am crying out of desperation and I am loosing hope in myself . How can I help someone when I can't seem to help myself .

May brain races with so many thoughts , and everything is overwhelming day by day.

I don't sleep much , so half of my day is ZOMBIEFIED.

Im just walking and doing but lack the sense of BEING .

i should be enjoying life , happy but my world keeps tumbling overtime I try to rebuild.

I'm not sure what too do !

alanis : ironic

I know others have it tough but this is the only way I know how too clear my mind , and even like that shit's getting bad !

Quiet// Anxiety

It's been sometime since I've been here.

I feel like every time I am on here it's either complaining or just in a fucked up place .

I was talking to a friend about  how I suffer from depression and anxiety , seriously it's all bad .

And , she went and said " why are you depressed , you should be happy you have it all ". I look at her puzzled . 
 I went on and told her , I have  it all >??? WTF does that mean exactly ..(defensive mode)

Her description was vague and simple , husband , kids, and you stay home..( really????

 Again I looked puzzled , and was taken back . 

That's what have it all means , well that's a bad interpretation. 

Who has it all Rich motherfuckers, they have it all , or maybe not. 

Having it all doesn't mean it's just physical , material, shit  it' s having your fucking head straight . It's learning how to cope with a place full of fucking people and not wanting to storm screaming out of there.

It's not having to over think everything , it's not having anxiety breakdowns when your shit isn't put back , it's dealing with constant visions of things happening , it's not seeing shadows and  things walking  when there is nothing there. It's not feeling fucking shitty 90 percent of the time.

And yet I have my shit together and have it all . NOOOOOOOO!!!

I don't have my sanity . 

All I want too do is live in a cottage in the woods and never leave ..

so WTF?????

I am loosing it guys ... but ill come back to my normal existence.

Then today something I saw a post on  Instagram by a holistic Dr. that help me sort of understand that being this way can be out of my control but ok . 
It was a short theory on depression 

She said " why do people question others depression ,  or mental health problems . " 
That it was like asking " Why do you have asthma ? there is  so much air to breathe ."

This is itself means a whole fucking lot . Im dissecting it so I can put it into perspective!! but It carved a hole right where I felt trapped.

peace-

WHOLE

Have you ever wondered what is your purpose in life?

Or ever felt like there is something that you are suppose to do and aren't fulfilling it, but don't know really what it is?

It's funny how the universe works at the time of our birth , like we are here for A REASON, but what clues have we seen to know that this is our purpose; I know that we all have something too do here on earth , but I get confused all the time because, I have no clue what I am suppose to be full filling. (blank stare)

Like is it when you really have a passion for that something  and just really enjoy  that something that   is what your suppose to fulfill and is that your purpose ? ( do I make sense ?)

I keep thinking every day how I am suppose to live or who I am suppose to be , I am a something thirty year old who is still clueless , is that a fair way to say it " clueless".

It's like I am always rolling with the punches , but I still end up feeling so empty  why?

Nothing is suppose to feel that way  or be this way. Life is self explanatory so why the fuck do I feel unfulfilled ? 

There are days that I stare at the window , and feel a sense of sadness.

Fuck , it's bothersome  and so shitty.

One of the things is that, I love music and in someway this helps me out, not to surrender to these bad thoughts about life.

See I don't hate life , at times were boxing it out for  survival , but I am grateful ...

SO tell me is it just me , or do you believe we have a higher purpose on this earth???

peace-
yess

Natal Self..I am trying to figure myself out..

 I am often asked what makes me feel so fucked up ? (blank stare)

If I am honest , I don't know .

One of the things that I tried looking up was my zodiac sign birth chart , and as far as I know my sign is for the most part melancholic.

The sun rules over me with my venus being scorpio. Ill post on here this chart..

And if I am honest I believe in zodiac signs and celestial things.

Zodiac : Tropical
	Sun		Capricorn	6°31'
	Moon		Scorpio	2°33'
	Mercury		Capricorn	12°18'	R
	Venus		Scorpio	26°07'
	Mars		Libra	22°58'
	Jupiter		Sagittarius	25°13'
	Saturn		Scorpio	13°41'
	Uranus		Sagittarius	10°58'
	Neptune		Sagittarius	29°15'
	Pluto		Scorpio	1°43'
	Lilith		Pisces	1°54'
	Asc node		Gemini	15°45'

Your Personal Natal Chart

Capricorns can sometimes be rather lonely people, although they rarely let it show. They are often a little reserved--even standoffish. This is generally because they value all things practical, and they'll seldom wear their emotions on their sleeves, unless they have a particularly flamboyant Moon sign. This is a sign that is surely the most resourceful of the zodiac. To some, Capricorns come across as unimaginative, but they can be enormously creative when it comes to the material world. They are generally very capable people with a strong sense of tradition and responsibility. 

(https://astro.cafeastrology.com/natal.ph)

Most of what I've read on myself is right on .. There are a lot of things that are like oh shit ..

check it out   This helps me understand myself more deeply..