I feel like every time I am on here it's either complaining or just in a fucked up place . I was talking to a friend about how I suffer from depression and anxiety , seriously it's all bad . And , she went and said " why are you depressed , you should be happy you have it all ". I look at her puzzled . I went on and told her , I have it all >??? WTF does that mean exactly ..(defensive mode) Her description was vague and simple , husband , kids, and you stay home..( really???? Again I looked puzzled , and was taken back . That's what have it all means , well that's a bad interpretation.
Who has it all Rich motherfuckers, they have it all , or maybe not.
Having it all doesn't mean it's just physical , material, shit it' s having your fucking head straight . It's learning how to cope with a place full of fucking people and not wanting to storm screaming out of there.
It's not having to over think everything , it's not having anxiety breakdowns when your shit isn't put back , it's dealing with constant visions of things happening , it's not seeing shadows and things walking when there is nothing there. It's not feeling fucking shitty 90 percent of the time. And yet I have my shit together and have it all . NOOOOOOOO!!! I don't have my sanity . All I want too do is live in a cottage in the woods and never leave ..
so WTF?????
I am loosing it guys ... but ill come back to my normal existence.
Then today something I saw a post on Instagram by a holistic Dr. that help me sort of understand that being this way can be out of my control but ok . It was a short theory on depression She said " why do people question others depression , or mental health problems . " That it was like asking " Why do you have asthma ? there is so much air to breathe ." This is itself means a whole fucking lot . Im dissecting it so I can put it into perspective!! but It carved a hole right where I felt trapped.
Have you ever wondered what is your purpose in life?
Or ever felt like there is something that you are suppose to do and aren't fulfilling it, but don't know really what it is?
It's funny how the universe works at the time of our birth , like we are here for A REASON, but what clues have we seen to know that this is our purpose; I know that we all have something too do here on earth , but I get confused all the time because, I have no clue what I am suppose to be full filling. (blank stare) Like is it when you really have a passion for that something and just really enjoy that something that is what your suppose to fulfill and is that your purpose ? ( do I make sense ?) I keep thinking every day how I am suppose to live or who I am suppose to be , I am a something thirty year old who is still clueless , is that a fair way to say it " clueless". It's like I am always rolling with the punches , but I still end up feeling so empty why? Nothing is suppose to feel that way or be this way. Life is self explanatory so why the fuck do I feel unfulfilled ?
There are days that I stare at the window , and feel a sense of sadness.
Fuck , it's bothersome and so shitty.
One of the things is that, I love music and in someway this helps me out, not to surrender to these bad thoughts about life.
See I don't hate life , at times were boxing it out for survival , but I am grateful ...
SO tell me is it just me , or do you believe we have a higher purpose on this earth???
I am often asked what makes me feel so fucked up ? (blank stare) If I am honest , I don't know . One of the things that I tried looking up was my zodiac sign birth chart , and as far as I know my sign is for the most part melancholic. The sun rules over me with my venus being scorpio. Ill post on here this chart.. And if I am honest I believe in zodiac signs and celestial things.
Zodiac : Tropical
Sun
Capricorn
6°31'
Moon
Scorpio
2°33'
Mercury
Capricorn
12°18'
R
Venus
Scorpio
26°07'
Mars
Libra
22°58'
Jupiter
Sagittarius
25°13'
Saturn
Scorpio
13°41'
Uranus
Sagittarius
10°58'
Neptune
Sagittarius
29°15'
Pluto
Scorpio
1°43'
Lilith
Pisces
1°54'
Asc node
Gemini
15°45'
Your Personal Natal Chart
Capricorns can sometimes be rather lonely people, although they rarely let it show. They are often a little reserved--even standoffish. This is generally because they value all things practical, and they'll seldom wear their emotions on their sleeves, unless they have a particularly flamboyant Moon sign. This is a sign that is surely the most resourceful of the zodiac. To some, Capricorns come across as unimaginative, but they can be enormously creative when it comes to the material world. They are generally very capable people with a strong sense of tradition and responsibility. (https://astro.cafeastrology.com/natal.ph) Most of what I've read on myself is right on .. There are a lot of things that are like oh shit .. check it out This helps me understand myself more deeply..
I think today is a bit different , I am not sure if its the weather or things are clearing up . Either way good morning world. I woke feeling grounded , and a bit less junkie ...
Sometimes things don't add up in my heart but in my head they make sense without question my prerogative .
I'm not sure if any of this is considered normal , but overtime when i write things and (make mental notes) to tell myself that this will be OK , and to try to be care free . Without overwhelming myself.
In reality life doesn't always makes sense , the energy that's out in the world is tumultuous and stressful. Maybe it's that . Who knows for sure but there are just days that are full of light , and free.
Being, away from social media is like detoxing . There is always this agenda with the media world that changes the way we look at our lives and the perspective ..
Why does it even exist ?? It does more harm than good I believe .
Yesterday , was a day of busy work , schooling and over thinking ..
I keep having some odd dreams that don't allow me to rest peacefully , maybe they come from a subconscious place or it's just some Bullshit ..
I tried looking for work yesterday and guess how that went ?? NOTHING BAD UNABLE TO COMPLETE THE TASK .
I AM not sure why I even keep fooling myself to work , I have had BS little jobs but the worst one was UBER /LYFT .. It's odd how people can just do it . My problem is the fact that I pick up energies and the feelings some people either get me nervous , anxious or they suck the life out of me .... ODD??
Will in other news what do you guys think of STEVIE NICKS??
After and exhausting night , I am back and feeling better ,not 100 but better than yesterday that is for sure.
Sometimes life really throws balls at me, and being the way I am I fell like I have no control. I don't think that I am always up for a challenge when my plate is full.
Too many changes , duties for all these mind games and maybe I don't want to TAKE LIFE so seriously just because I end up feeling like I am stuck in a rut.
My body feels better , I just wished I could change my ways and this attitude that I dislike so very much . Nothing is complete if I am not feeling incomplete. you feel me .
Being a really lonely person really fucks with your psych. It's not a healthy lifestyle really . But , I've gotten use to this idea .
I have been told that sometimes we dig ourselves into this funk , I say HELL NO who wants to live like this . Never in my life I would've thought that was going to be me . Lonely !! . but I always find things and reasons on why I don't like having close people near me . ( so maybe it's a choice ?) No i don't have a BFF or Friends . I've always leaned to making more guy friends than female friends , and because I am married I respect my spouse to the point of I rather be alone than making him feel weird about this .
It is what it is really ...
But my depression comes from a deeper place and really I am not sure why half of the time . Or where this comes from . ( this is a loosing point)
It's an unsolved mystery and it will stay this way , until I find those good folks.... that will help me realize this ...or figure it out..
You know ,as I am typing this I was thinking to myself , Why didn't I buy me that red wine and cheese I wanted .. I missed out and maybe that would've helped my shitty funk ...
I will stock up on red wine today I need it ...
anyways well back to my real life and less spilling my beans all over my blog .
I woke up too get to work this morning , not really feeling 100 percent . I had been awake since 3 am , with a nightmare that had been lingering through the wee hours of the night. I am not sure why I was up so early and why this nightmare was even there. This is what I do know , that it has triggered my Anxiety full force..
I can feel my heart beating fast , and my stomach turning over and over this is the worst feeling in the world ...I can't stay this way I hate it ..
I'm not even sure why it's lingering around me , I'm ok in every other aspect . It's like a weird feeling outside of myself ..
My chest hurts .
I have blank thoughts I just need to be out of my head without it affecting me whole being .
How does one do that without feeling like shit
Ah! man Im really hating myself for what I am going through mentally .. The only thing that somewhat worked was going to the beach , but I live so dam far ..
I think I need to get my fucking shit together .. and maybe that might help I kind of know the source of my feelings but I am not 100 percent .
I hate that my body is an alarm clock . It wakes up so early and wants to knock out early, is this what getting old feels like?
It sucks ...
However my morning routine consist of reading, knitting , yoga and meditation .....
and then I am tired all day ..
ahhh!! FML
this tired feeling is horrible , but it something that has stayed with me since I was young 2nd grade young. We lived so far and I went to school in Inglewood, and lived in Long Beach woke up at 3 am Monday-Friday to go to catch the bus with my mom. We wouldn't get back until around 8pm go to sleep and repeat. So i believe in someway this stayed with me mentally add physically and it hasn't changed , and I hate it . Alex is nocturnal he can be awake all night and sleep all day ... ugh the drag!
So my body feels so worn out , that I am here like I need a vacation asap!
One of only getaways that helps me clear my mind is blogging , and it's my personal journal hence the reason I don't care too much for grammar. Sorry not sorry I guess .
This is me pouring out all my aches and pains , what are your aches and pains??
Half of my house isn't all packed up , i work on the weekends and i homeschool , what time do I have ??
Why have I accumulated a dam jungle of items, and somehow I have a detachment problem , yeah I know it blows, but it's what happens , right??
I have been sick , so thats a bonus! ( sarcasm inserted here)
And while a blog all this wonkier business of mine I press play on " Florence + The machine station". Thom Yorke is badass... just thought I'd throw that in ..
OK , so back to this junk situation how and where do I start ..
It gets me anxious and you know what I feel like doing is grabbing everything and dumping that shit dust off my shoulders and walk away with my middle finger in the sky , and repeating to myself I don't need that shit!! (fantasy ) if only!!....
Lets see if everything works out , I am guessing the universe is really on my side
too move!!
For the past couple of years in California has been very tough in every single way .
It is crazy ridiculous how expensive this state is getting really . Somewhere I read that in order to survive in here somewhat comfortably you need to be making more than 20 dollars and Hour, what no job pays that without a degree... And lets just not talk about education cost. its' insane.......
How are regular people like me suppose to survive, I have an idea how about 3 jobs , attend school and continue to struggle ... No wonder there are a ton of people living in one apartment or even a house ...
With all this said these are times for a change , in which poverty should not exist but this country begs to differ...
I work for a sub contracted company for amazon , and as a driver the days are long and the pay is bonkers.. We run in and out of vans for over ten hours and my knees are killing me at the end of the day . My day starts if from 280-290 packages, with up to 220 stops driving a big van , it's crazy ... Whats the upside , you work on your own and deal with zero to some people . Otherwise it's nuts. A lot of drivers quit do to the pressure and high demand of amazon . We have no insurance and people who work in this line of work are very prone to injury .... How is any of this ok ?? Demand , customer service and necessity .... but thats life.... right ??
Work Hard ... Period...
Another thing is it's kinda the only thing that can make life work .... living with other family members.
In my situation I can really only rely on my mother (tears)
she is my rock , and without her I am nothing . She has been my support system morally , and as I look at the situation that I am , Im just stunned how she has been there and never turned on me.
I hate this fucking struggle , I know I am not the only one. This country is full of folks who are in this position , and I feel you it's depressing not having what you need to survive...I am almost thinking of moving to mexico so i can survive this shit.....
However, I am hopeful that I can change my situation whatever it may be ...
heres a jam that I love and hate ...
it makes me cry.. but laugh makes sense good night!
peace- yess
I woke this morning with a raspy thought , clogged throat and head pounding. The sun is shinning so bright through my window that my head is killing me .. ( the liggghht *yells)
Im not sure what happened , last night but I knocked out cold... This sickness is being a sucker ..
The body aches are ridiculously . You know what the crazy thing is that I NEVER GET THIS SICK ..
waahwahhah!
I can only breathe through one nostril , and that isn't cool at all...My asthma is kicking in , which sucks!!!!!!!!
I know everything is making me feel NAGGY <---- is that a word.
SO that my friends is a red flag that the seasons are coming by so fast !
This year has really flown by so quickly, the summer sucked it you ask me ...It was way too Hot!!!!
I guess thats why they call it summer....
Don't you hate that change of season so fast?
and people wonder we get so sick so fast..
peace-
yess...
( small ramble since my head is about to explode) no a good post but ill be back on here tomorrow!
