Body Ache

I hate that my body is an alarm clock . It wakes up so early and wants to knock out early, is this what getting old feels like?

It sucks ...

However my morning routine consist of reading, knitting , yoga and meditation .....

and then I am tired all day ..


ahhh!! FML

this tired feeling is horrible , but it something that has stayed with me since I was young 2nd grade young. We lived so far and I went  to school in Inglewood, and lived in Long Beach woke up at 3 am Monday-Friday to go to catch the bus with my mom. We wouldn't get back until around 8pm go to sleep and repeat. So i believe in someway this stayed with me mentally add physically and it hasn't changed , and I hate it . Alex is nocturnal he can be awake all night and sleep all day ... ugh the drag!

So my body feels so worn out , that I am here like I need a vacation asap!

One of only getaways that helps me clear my mind is blogging , and it's my personal journal hence the reason I don't care too much for grammar. Sorry not sorry I guess .

This is me pouring out all my aches and pains , what are your aches and pains??

xo-yess

Moving//Junk

OH MYYYYYYY!! I HAVE TWO WEEKS TO MOVE

Half of my house isn't all packed up , i work on the weekends and i homeschool , what time do I have ??

Why have I accumulated a dam jungle of items, and somehow I have a detachment problem , yeah I know it blows, but it's what happens , right??

I have been sick , so thats a bonus! ( sarcasm inserted here)

And while a blog all this wonkier business of mine I press play on " Florence + The machine station". Thom Yorke is badass... just thought I'd throw that in ..

OK , so back to this junk situation  how and where do I start ..

It gets me anxious and you know what I feel like doing is grabbing everything and dumping that shit dust off my shoulders and walk away with my middle finger in the sky , and repeating to myself I don't need that shit!! (fantasy ) if only!!....


Lets see if everything works out , I am guessing the universe is really on my side
too move!!

bye
short late.. post

Shitttt

For the past couple of years in California has been very tough in every single way .

It is crazy ridiculous how expensive this state is getting really . Somewhere I read that in order to survive in here somewhat comfortably you need to be making more than 20 dollars and Hour, what no job pays that  without a degree... And lets just not talk about education cost. its' insane.......

How are regular people like me suppose to survive, I have an idea how about 3 jobs , attend school and continue to struggle ... No wonder there are a ton of people  living in one apartment or even a house ...

With all this said these are times for a change , in which poverty  should not exist  but this  country begs to differ...

I work for a sub contracted company for amazon , and as a driver the days are long and the pay is bonkers.. We run in and out of vans for over ten hours and my knees are killing me at the end of the day . My day starts if from 280-290 packages, with up to 220 stops driving a big van , it's crazy ... Whats the upside , you work on your own and deal with zero to some people . Otherwise it's nuts. A lot of drivers quit do to the pressure and high demand of amazon .  We have no insurance  and people who work in this line of work are very prone to injury .... How is any of this ok ?? Demand , customer service and necessity .... but thats life.... right ??

Work Hard ... Period...

Another thing is it's kinda the only thing that can make life work .... living with other family members.

In my situation I can really only rely on my mother (tears)
she is my rock , and without her I am nothing . She has been my support system morally , and as I look at the situation that I am , Im just stunned how she has been there and never turned on me.

I hate this fucking struggle , I know I am not the only one.  This country is full of folks who are in this position , and I feel you it's depressing not having what you need to survive...I am almost thinking of moving to mexico so i can survive this shit.....

However, I am hopeful that I can change my situation whatever it may be ...

heres a jam that I love and hate ...

it makes me cry.. but laugh makes sense good night!
peace- yess

Seasons

I woke this morning with a raspy thought , clogged throat and head pounding. The sun is shinning so bright through my window that my head is killing me .. ( the liggghht *yells)

Im not sure what happened , last night but I knocked out cold... This sickness is being a sucker ..
The body aches are ridiculously . You know what the crazy thing is that I NEVER GET THIS SICK ..

waahwahhah!

I can only breathe through one nostril , and that isn't cool at all...My asthma is kicking in , which sucks!!!!!!!!

I know everything is making me feel NAGGY <---- is that a word.

SO that my friends is a red flag that the seasons are coming by so fast !
This year has really flown by so quickly, the summer sucked it you ask me ...It was way too Hot!!!!

I guess thats why they call it summer....

Don't you hate  that change of season so fast?

and people wonder we get so sick so fast..

peace-
yess...
( small ramble since my head is about to explode) no a good post but ill be back on here tomorrow!

Down

Yesterday when I was feeling all over the place , I was just in my head trying to make sense of things .

It's not always what I want , I don't crave to be in this state ...

Who does, and  it's never an easy escape.

One of the things I did right after yesterdays post  I began listening to BOB MARLEY! Man, I will tell you this ,his music has  really pulled me out of myself  and placed my feelings into something unknown.


He always comes to the rescue for years he has always helped me , his lyrics are therapy.  his message is love , and too love yourself because we are ALL  we have .

It's never easy , but when I speak about feeling beside yourself this is what I meant ..

Depression fucks you up !!!
 I am forever grateful for BOB MARLEYS MUSIC  and what it has done for me .

 In these times we need someone like him. (that good vibration)

There is always something so great about pulling yourself out of this  slump feeling ..

It's almost sad , yet   Irie .....

All in all there is so much to life....I hope one day I can live with ought feeling how I felt yesterday or for the matter everyday!

Peace-
yess

Mental ....

This is such a hard topic , it hits home from all angels .

As a child I was bullied a lot , beat up daily by my own cousin for years I never spoke up about it to my mother because , it was the only place we could afford to live with my aunt.  In a way I was aware but hurting and suffering .

I just wasn't the type of child who made life complicated for my mother because ,she was trying her best and I didn't went to mortify her.

In the years following  I had a lot of headaches and sometimes I wonder  if what I have has some connection to what I suffer. Who knows..

I've had chronic depression or years , took medication and it made me feel suicidal so I vowed never to take medication  again .

How do I deal with it ??

I fight a lot with my head ,  my soul  basically all of me ..

I just have to fight .. and sometimes I hate myself for how much  I do ..

The cope mechanism  is crazy ........

It's a lonely melancholic battle

I don't know how Alex deals with me , but I am grateful for how much he has helped me...

Recently I woke up with  an Anxiety Attack , my body was just hurt too much  I felt like running  and loosing myself so I can't feel this  pain ..

Im hoping to come out of these feelings alive and well , I know I will
but if you know someone struggling be there for them in anyway possible .

Books turned into Movies

OK , so I hope I hear back on this topic ...

Not many years back there was a series of vampire stories, shows, books etc. Way back when , and frankly it was a cool time . I know I was obsessing over  the originals, & the vampire diaries , and the very famous New Moon , Eclipse I forgot the other book.  These were the fun times  right .. and for many it still is . I delight myself in binging in these types of books and even shows.... But what happens when books are so beautifully written and  they are turned into Film.

First off ,let me begin by saying I have nothing against film , i love movies  shit who doesn't  right ?

However , when a book has so many cool parts too it you want to see the same written in a film , in my mind it's a type of justice.  Because , someone spends so much time , heart , and thought writing a book that the magic should be easily translated . Sadly , this has very solemnly been the case ...

One of the Sagas that I believed was destroyed was the Twilight Series. OK , these books were so addicting , well written with so much literal impact in my brain that I couldn't put my book down. It was like watching a fast forward mode. Mind you these books were so long , but when they are so good the thickness doesn't even matter. ( irrelevant i know , just saying).

But I felt the writer got no kind of credit , or justice for her work , the booked seemed to be cut in less than half only to make it fit to the time slot of the film .

Why???

Somehow this author was buzzing and slowly hasn't written anything remotely as big . But my point is how these authors are lost  and their work is slowly swept under the rug, and for this reason I hate books being made into films.

I am currently reading Children of Blood and Bone  and as I recollect what has happened in the past with the past series I've read,  I have my fingers crossed that none of what I fear will happen. The author is just amazing !....This is a must in every ones bookshelf.. 

Let  me know what you think , or am I tripping ??

See you guys later..
 - yesss

Change

I'm not a normal human being

my feelings are beyond what I can understand

sometimes i hate being alive and sometimes I don't

maybe it's my secret or quiet personality

i know it can't be my alter ego

In my transition of change I want TO not feel this way

I want to feel solid , with no other interruptions

In reality it's hard

Because , of my friend Anxiety & Depression

I've asked normal beings how do they do it to be still and just enjoy life with nothing hindering it, all i get is I don't know i was born this way .....

.....

silence ,

i guess it is what it is ...

Personal

As I was walking down the street the other day I noticed a bunch of girls laughing so loud and endless, I almost chuckled with them instead I kept my composure and kept walking. In my head all I can think about was how I wish I had a great group of good friends that I can count on.  Sike , that is impossible, heres why .

Ever since I was small I've had horrible luck with girl friendships, I'm not sure why . Sometimes I think I am a defective human being and thats why no one can ever be friend me .  For years , I tried being  that good friend only to be used . Crazy ! During those moments  I really thought i had good friends , talk about being naive.

Forward many years later and I realized that I am a guys girl. Meaning that I am more in tune with guys than girls . Why? For the most part its because I love sports, politics, and talk about random shit , and other girls aren't for it. AT this stage in my life my solitude has gained me experience and self discovery that maybe I would have never figured out . It sucks feeling lonely sometimes . But I remind myself that I have me , and that in the end it will be just me.

Is that selfish ??

Im not sure, but the way that life has hinted me makes me believe that it's what I am destined.
The only person close to me is Alex. And for the most part he's everyones friend , and he has always question my lack of friendships at one point .  But I don't know how to explain why? just bad luck ..

I always wish I understood this , but my lack of judgment has brought me here so I have no one to blame. But sometimes it feels depressing . Which triggers my non stop anxiety . It sucks ....

If you have dealt with similar feelings how have you dealt with it?

I am trying  to save and hold back tears,
goodnight!

once upon a day in vegas, & the house of blues

Nails, Podcast, Work

Oh my goodness this is so last minute , but imagine what i am about to tell you , and then let me know what you would do .

I started work , had my nails done prior to working , i am a driver , so i carry packages all day .
I wear gloves for hand protection , you know we always have to be protected . hahahah!

And as I am getting ready to go to lunch , i take them off to wash my hands and my nail pops off . Ugh! I get it fixed .
Following weekend i load my truck and do the same thing , gloves all and the whole bit , and my other nail breaks off . I am so irritated at this point. What is a women to do , I had already paid to get it fixed  and got a fill, and this shit happens again .....

I can't be waiting five bucks again and agin.

so i yanked them all off and now i have these bare hand necessity. but not really. what would you do . oh yeah and my teeth hurt from biting them off . oh great.

hahahah! just a little something something.

Guess what I have a podcast on sound cloud .

In this podcast I talk about aliens . I ramble on about the conversation i had with alex , but he insist this shows are real ... hmmm !


https://soundcloud.com/randomshe

i love sound cloud.
take a listen and let me know what are your thoughts, and what topics i should touch on ...

alright gotta run , see you guys on the next post .

peace, love, light!