Botanical Gardens (pt.1)

Birthday Bash (a couple of snaps)

my funny little guys .  by the time we were about to cut the cake they looked a bit tired and sleepy. but this was as  good as it got. to see them playing and happy was all that I needed to feel like it was all good. that is my biggest joy .. so here are some random snaps from their special day.

                                    funny poses for days . camera distration for the times being 

                 

blah!

If its not one thing it's another. Ive been crazy busy with H school. I'm on mommy work overload. On top of that , we finally had our boys infamous birthday party.  It was all so last minute , stressed up the yin yang . Feeling the heat. But, I'm glad it is over and it was a semi success. Given that It all started later then planned. Otherwise we had many laughs, great costumes and not as many photos as I liked.  It really sucked not taking many pictures. Lets see, oh yeah I had a parent teacher conference last Wednesday.(it went OK) .

And the biggest upset occurred the day of the party. my record player stopped working indefinitely. As we were about to play hot pumpkin (hot potato) which requires music, Alex and I tried turning on the record player , nothing . Re-plugged and UN plugged and reset , got nothing . Pushed dials, nothing. Moved the cord around and nothing. Man am I super bummed. It let me down and I've had it for less then a year..(total BS) . Alex, insist that we fix it , but I'm like no way I can buy a new one for what they are gonna charge right?
well ,who knows but if i do i hope it will be super cheap (crossing my fingers).

Other then that  it's all that's been happening at my end of the world.

All over the place and some

I've been so busy lately , and I haven't done much of anything. With H being at school , I somehow worry that If I do something else they can call me at any given time. So pretty much I'm focused on his school, and setting up work for him daily. I find it fun in someway since I need him to get better. I'm doing a lot of deep cleaning , and cooking more then usual, plainly it's just my everyday life.  With the Halloween party in two weeks, I am so stressed. I've searching all over the net for a fun simple party ideas. Let me tell you it isn't easy , because everything evolves scary and H isn't looking forward to anything scary anymore.  Plus , it's our families annual party . I think it's all wrapped up into one. Or wait it is (hahah). I've bought some things here and there but I keep second guessing if its just too scary of just enough ... I'm just thinking on hanging up ghost and bats , and using the colors green , black , and a hint of white .... Also incorporating games and awards and a pinata, yeah I want it to be fun ...Which it will.... That's been on my plate .And I haven't found my costume ..I want to be poison ivy so I might just make my version of her ...this is pretty much my life ...all in one. I'm excited and yet nervous...Ill  be posting a halloween party on a budget and see how that turns out .wish me luck ... what will you be for halloween?

finding a way.

I think we live in an era  where finding peace and serenity is crucial. This world is just so horrible. But as I find myself in a place where things are wild , and i have no tranquility , I'm longing for my center. I want to help my mind from thinking so much . I don't want  a perfect life , I want a peaceful one.

And while I find this , for now my inspiration is this blog called "beauty that moves". Man do I love her blog , it's so serene and still.  As I start my journey into the yoga world , I'm here focusing one day at a time.I'll be posting a ninety day yoga days ritual.

in search...

random snaps

Yoshiko

YOSHIKO AND ALEX (LONG TIME FIRENDS, WAY BEFORE ME)
MAY SHE REST AND PEACE WE LOST HER HERE ON EARTH BUT THE HEAVENS GAINED A PURE SOUL
YOU WILL BE MISSED DEARLY . RIP YOSHI ..
LOVE  FROM ALL OF US.

yesterday .

You know those moments , that you shuffle in bed and your mind is racing but your not sure why. And then you just keep asking yourself what is wrong with me? and you get a gut feeling about that something . I had this gut feeling and shuffling in the hours of 1 am. I don't know , but when something bad happens ,my senses kinda go wild. I'm no psychic (or at least i don't think I am ). I just couldn't get my sleep . Then later that afternoon , we hear that someone we know has died in a tragic accident. I'm in disbelief, nothing makes sense in my mind on why this happened to her ....

About six years ago I met a girl by the name Yoshiko. Everyone called her shiko, she was this very shy friend of my nephew . When we would visit she would sometimes be there .  And on two occasions I was able to hang out with her . We partied hard , laugh , and just plain hung out . She was always a party goer, yet she was very very shy and so sweet. I don't think I've ever met someone like her. On one occasion ,we went up to a get together in Moreno beach , with Alex ,Franco , Her and I . Met up with some more of my nephews friends, I eventually drank to much Jack Daniels, and started asking for Alex. We just couldn't find him. She just kept saying awwe, don't worry we'll find him , I'm right here and gave me a hug . I was explaining to her how I felt about Alex and what I've been through and she made me feel like we had been long time friends.... Yoshi was always a person who had a super positive vibe..Her Ora was so calming , that I was stunned to feel such peace when I talked to her ... In my life , Ive never met someone so humble like her .  This maybe something small compare to others who knew her. But , the truth is that when you can make an immediate and positive connection with someone whom you have hardly known. That is a sign of a very GOOD person. She always kept to herself , made us laugh without trying . She was an amazing human being. From that moment I felt like a oh hey I know you connection, and felt comfortable when I saw her after that day .

Sadly she passes away on Monday , on her way back from Vegas with a guy she was seeing , he too died. The way it all went down , just makes no sense . Like , how does someone so nice have such a disastrous accident .... It was bad , and it gives chills down my spine , literally... Here are some bits and pieces of it all.

Once upon : a camping trip.

Lost In My Mind

It's been so long , so it feels. The truth is that I have been going through some mind challenges. yea, that's something that I go through very often. I tend to over think, and just get depressed for no dam reason. I hate my brain ..so much . I don't know if it's the fresh air or the weather, or wait it's just me. Things have been so overwhelming , and the lonely side of things are really getting to me. So much that I question myself , what is next? on a daily basis. Sometimes , it's hard to keep me going but I have to for the sake of my kids, it's a blessing that they are here with me. I forget how to be here . The ground just turns into clouds, and by that I mean that I'm always on cloud 9. Gosh, the honest truth is that im one lonely human being. I have no friends, I hardly see my family , and well lets face it i suck at life. Many say , "well you don't need friends , or people." yeah maybe not , but sometimes it's good to have great friends who to share things like this, go out for coffee , and chat. It's only a human way of living . But, I lack in that department.... on the other hand Im wishing hard to pack up and leave far into the woods and just stay there isolated . At the end of the day , I am alone. My husband probably thinks I'm nuts (i think he's right, even though he has never said it out loud). I was talking to someone close to me about why I feel like this , their response was , I need to pray and go to church. I thought yeah maybe your right , but Im still not satisfied who I AM. That isn't hard to do . It's just doing it by myself is complicated . Im complicated . or Intense or shit , im something . God is good to me and he is amazing . and why is it then , that I feel like this?............... I can't ever answer this..Im not content, that's a little vague but that's exactly how I feel. This isn't the life I dreamed of , I wanted to change it, and just create the one that I wanted . But because I ended up stuck , I screwed up. My greatest accomplishment yet , are my kids..being a mom, but the fact that I lack to provide for them the way I should is quietly killing me. Kids need love and care, and adventures( and I lack in that, for other reasons). This isn't a phase it's everyday ...  What have I done about this lately? GO TO THE GYM.. it's helped me but I just really wished I'd could be there longer. I try to clear my head , and not think, but my brain is on overdrive constantly.I've even thought of having mother pen pals, just so I could have someone on my side , i doubt that exist .. The point is that no matter how much people emphasize that friends or people we don''t need, that's bull. When your home alone most of the day , where there is hardly any interaction with your own spouse, yeah we do need friends or acquaintance's. Sounds desperate , but I'm tired of this , and that .
I hate not being able to just say , OK I'm gonna take  my child to daycare go to work, head off to school... ( that just isn't me ) being mentally abused when I was younger really fucked me up , and that is the reason I can't trust people. You would think I would be stronger  then my past , but it's tainted me so bad ....I'm really hoping for a change .. and that were ever my god is , that he hears me , because it's becoming a nightmare.  The one thing is that I can't pity myself , I just hate being this way . All in All something has got to change . ( a self note ).

I guess thats life ! (excuse my rambles)

Lately : ABC and a short, short story of whats going on with haven and his teacher.

ABC MOUSE IN FULL EFFECT . WHY? To be honest with you I am so unsatisfied with my sons TK teacher. I am not even sure if he's  even learning anything . For the past weeks, there hads been no HW given , his back pack is always outside in the dirt. By the time he gets home I ask him were is his HW . He looks at me and says "I dunno". Then I finally speak to the teacher and she just tells me he doesn't listen to her ,and that she has had to stop her lessons just to attend my son. Mind you this is Pre-School aka Transitional Kinder. And most of these children are 4 years old.  Which means some kids including mine really don't have that classroom structure all down.  Since haven was born I can't remember a time I ever let anyone babysit him. He's always been with me , I might have spoiled him a tad much .  But I mean who doesn't ?. Well I guess I am doing something wrong , because his teacher seems as if she has so much on her mind , and she ain't got time to deal with Haven. I'm feeling like I failed my son. And all that's going on I feel is my fault .....Really? when a teacher has nothing really positive to say , it makes me think that maybe she doesn't want to deal with him. and obviously I messed up. For now , I have him on this educational program, so whatever he isn't learning over there , he makes up for it...
Man am I feeling the heat of all that's going on.. :(