Lost In My Mind

It's been so long , so it feels. The truth is that I have been going through some mind challenges. yea, that's something that I go through very often. I tend to over think, and just get depressed for no dam reason. I hate my brain ..so much . I don't know if it's the fresh air or the weather, or wait it's just me. Things have been so overwhelming , and the lonely side of things are really getting to me. So much that I question myself , what is next? on a daily basis. Sometimes , it's hard to keep me going but I have to for the sake of my kids, it's a blessing that they are here with me. I forget how to be here . The ground just turns into clouds, and by that I mean that I'm always on cloud 9. Gosh, the honest truth is that im one lonely human being. I have no friends, I hardly see my family , and well lets face it i suck at life. Many say , "well you don't need friends , or people." yeah maybe not , but sometimes it's good to have great friends who to share things like this, go out for coffee , and chat. It's only a human way of living . But, I lack in that department.... on the other hand Im wishing hard to pack up and leave far into the woods and just stay there isolated . At the end of the day , I am alone. My husband probably thinks I'm nuts (i think he's right, even though he has never said it out loud). I was talking to someone close to me about why I feel like this , their response was , I need to pray and go to church. I thought yeah maybe your right , but Im still not satisfied who I AM. That isn't hard to do . It's just doing it by myself is complicated . Im complicated . or Intense or shit , im something . God is good to me and he is amazing . and why is it then , that I feel like this?............... I can't ever answer this..Im not content, that's a little vague but that's exactly how I feel. This isn't the life I dreamed of , I wanted to change it, and just create the one that I wanted . But because I ended up stuck , I screwed up. My greatest accomplishment yet , are my kids..being a mom, but the fact that I lack to provide for them the way I should is quietly killing me. Kids need love and care, and adventures( and I lack in that, for other reasons). This isn't a phase it's everyday ...  What have I done about this lately? GO TO THE GYM.. it's helped me but I just really wished I'd could be there longer. I try to clear my head , and not think, but my brain is on overdrive constantly.I've even thought of having mother pen pals, just so I could have someone on my side , i doubt that exist .. The point is that no matter how much people emphasize that friends or people we don''t need, that's bull. When your home alone most of the day , where there is hardly any interaction with your own spouse, yeah we do need friends or acquaintance's. Sounds desperate , but I'm tired of this , and that .
I hate not being able to just say , OK I'm gonna take  my child to daycare go to work, head off to school... ( that just isn't me ) being mentally abused when I was younger really fucked me up , and that is the reason I can't trust people. You would think I would be stronger  then my past , but it's tainted me so bad ....I'm really hoping for a change .. and that were ever my god is , that he hears me , because it's becoming a nightmare.  The one thing is that I can't pity myself , I just hate being this way . All in All something has got to change . ( a self note ).

I guess thats life ! (excuse my rambles)