Back at it again...

    Two months ago I would have never thought that I would be homeschooling again. The plan originally was to move to the city and comeback to the valley and get the ball rolling . The boys would go to traditional public school, and that was that. But as you know we make plans and life says  "yeah right"...
      As a parent we know whats best for our children people are always going to have their opinions and criticize our ways , we just can't please everyone .. Whats important is that we seek out whats best for our kids regardless of the worlds view. because at the end of the day we have helped the come along way ... or am i wrong ? I mean we helped them walk , eat , talk etc. you name it .. and not that i don't accept what others tell me its just that I know my kid best thats all.... with all this the good thing is that I have done it before and it's not foreign...
 too be honest I'm excited and nervous but i can't let my little guys see it....its three in the morning and I'm just like wtf! go back to sleep ...(totally off )

..i think I have insomnia (self diagnose) but thats for a different topic..hehe .so what is a mom too do when she has a crazy day ahead of her  write about it , be about it Im kidding about the last part ....so off I go get my lesson ready and get the ball rolling , wait did I say that again...its Monday and I haven't had my coffee so bare with me jibber jabber!!! I love how I can come on here and be like bam !! feelings all laid out and I feel refreshed ...nah literally! i lack friends (on the real) and what better friend than a book or a writing platform..ha! but thats just a whole other conversation. Happy Monday to all !! Mondays still suck for me but I'm a fighter ( not technically , just a saying ) wink, wink. ha!!!!

peace- (throw back lunes)

Half Awake or am I.

I hate being woken up .. by me. yes . It's so hard to fall back asleep with so much on my mind . After leaving the beachyy city things have taken a turn. First of all moving was horrible , i didn't realize that i have so much junk . I say have because I still haven't finished unpacking and organizing , i lack space now and i feel like I'm going crazy.i've hoarded so much that I find it hard too let go , at least  some things... My book shelf broke so all of my books are crying for a shelf .. (exaggerating much) *wink .. *wink... I mean we rented this beautiful apartment in the valley and as beautiful as it is there is no storage space or patio ..The price is crazy but it will do for now , and i need to be grateful. ok ok back to the unpacking it suuuuucks!!! Here I am exactly a week later and i feel stuck . I have been working out , adding some yoga into my routine so that I can take back my sanity .. At one point I felt lost..and the great thing about yoga is that it lets me remind myself that my value is great and there is no reason to feel lost  . In knowing of how privileged I am for being alive and well. I get these moments , that I can't shake off and then boom they are gone. I almost feel all over the place ( mind you thats my normal state) . There is something so great about rebooting my yoga mojo, that I come to terms with, and accept the gift of my stillness.. being a momma isn't always  quiet, but it's rewarding... and I as I type  i start starring into blank walls is that makes an sense ..

so here I am at 1:38 am. California time and i can't sleep ..and in four hours i'll be at the gym half asleep..ahh! man I gonna feel it laterrrrr.. here are just some things that we have been up too lately .. i really love nature it's so pure a genuine ...

sorry , i know I'm ranting away but I'm wiring my head around this insomnia. 

have a good Sunday !!! wink wink....

Typical

So Much and Not enough time

I have been so gone from this space . It's been a gazillion years and counting , I'm half asleep....and i hear snores all around .... ill be back later with updates on this thing called life ..

Lately.....

food never fails

Alexander my oldest was such a gentlemen and gave me these flowers after our mother and son dance.

Zoe such a sweet angel full of light.

Zoe & Orion always having fun while also wanting to have the same toy.. Kids grow up too fast!

How Much More lonely can a women feel?

I am not sure where to start.i feel in a vulnerable place, but with heartache anything can happen.  We resort to the most unconventional places , where trying is no longer relevant.  It's been almost a decade . You would think think that after that long someone would know you good by now? Or is this just my belief? You see no relationship is perfect , no friendship is perfect, no marriage is perfect, and just like other scenarios nothing is perfect. But at what point do we stop trying? ,  When do we just give up ?   After hope and faith has vanished for that person, when can we turn and walk away? All these feelings all balled up in a knot , why?  These are thoughts  and feelings of a  mothers emotional struggle. You know sometimes we forget to be whole. In my experience i've forgotten who i am as a person. because i have others who so depend on me that i just don't know how to let things be about me , till this very moment , this instant . See, when it's all said and done and after i've written this chapter of my life , i will leave my body into an abyss. i would feel like maybe this is what i am meant to  be.. but by the time this actually happens i would have been sad and lonely on the inside. i quiet my head so that it doesn't speak anymore than it has too. And, yet i can't shake off this feeling of loneliness. I once heard  a quote from robin williams that goes " i used to think that the worst thing was to end up alone. it's not. the worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone".  This is powerful. Words are harsh yet so deep. But so is physical acknowledgment. The day you stop showing someone you care is the day you stop feeling it . Not everyone is all about the whole mushy love thing,  and hey i agree , but when you give that person your  all ,  your world and in return they don't show you appreciation and neglects your existence that  ,  is where life changes.  I believe that no one should ever make us feel lonely , but what if you've created this life that involves other human beings , what is a mother too do?

after all  is said and years of fighting over the same thing how can one find hope and faith again ?

this is where my belief is that there is no real fairy tale, love is hard, hard ,hard work, and if one isn't willing or just gives you a mediocre reason  not to change , how is something suppose to change ?

I know that at then end of it all , and speaking as a mother Im starting to feel like my feelings just don't matter anymore. That i have too be willing too suck it up  for the sake of my children even though i hurt inside..... and as i fight my heart and thoughts how do put on a straight face...i know all this is arbitrary,  as we do with all things in life , but how can we change what might not be changeable? how does one face it head on ??

gimme your thoughts..

Zoe likes to eat on her own

She just turn One not too long ago...She is very independent , and likes to basically do it all on her own ... Mind you this was the first time she sat on  her own to eat , without me having to hold her to feed her... and was it interesting ...the pictures tell a million words... But regardless Im proud of her trying out new things.  Growing up is fun !!!

Beauty Products Some new additions....

There are so many organic /vegan products out there. In my opinion some are just to expensive  and I'm always hesitant about making such a purchase. because with three kids , all I can think about is what they need versus what I need. It's a mom thing right? But every now and then it's ok ...

.After taking a quick trip to target last week I found myself browsing through the beauty isles , and just kind of glimpsing around for good stuff that could potentially help my aging skin.. ( not really ) but it's my mental agenda saying this to me . hahah!  And guess what I found ... Some awesome gems. that i know wouldn't leave me broke and would leave me feeling good after my purchase.

I am not a beauty guru , but I know what my skin likes and doesn't ....don't we all?  So far i've collected almost all of ( que bella mask) and put them on different occasions  I have a morning ritual and part of it includes these babies.

Que Bella cost about 1.57 each and up depending on the mask .. The one on the left was so relaxing to my face .. it wasn't organic or vegan but it felt great ...

These are vegan the cream is so smooth and soft . It doesn't have a strong smell it's almost like a light jelly and the mascara  has coconut and vitamin b. I am a huge coconut fan so that was on elf the reasons i bought this mascara. It's light on your eyes ,not all tacky and spidery feeling , the smooth application allows for a nice retouch . They were both under 18 bucks . You can find them at target .. Thats the cool thing about cosmetic shopping at target it's  frugal and fun all in one. By the way this was part of my quick run to target for one item, man target always gets me ..wink wink!

Half Asleep and I still can't feel my eyes

I keep seeking the way that I want to be perceived in the blog world. I have creative ideas and things that I want to do on this particular platform . I just find myself lost on how blogger actually works and what seems to work. Im not sure ,if I can really get an audience by not posting everyday  or what not. However, I have read that the only way to actually be genuine is too be yourself and kind of stick it through without even really trying . My reality is that I've been doing this for a really long time since 2008 , and I still haven't mastered my craft . What, I will say is that the only important craft that have actually mastered is being a mom. And Im guessing that at this  point that is all that matters regardless of what anything. HAPPY SUNDAY TOO ALL THE MOMMYS OUT THERE!

Mother to Mother

What's the worst thing or experience you've ever had with your child?

This happened years ago when my oldest was about a year in a half.  I recall bits in pieces because it was just that long ago.

Havens Febrile Seizure

 

(google search )

Definitional febrile seizure, also known as a fever fit or febrile convulsion, is a seizure associated with a high body temperature but without any serious underlying health issue. They most commonly occur in children between the ages of 6 months and 5 years. Most seizures are less than five minutes in duration and the child is completely back to normal

                It was sometime during the summer in Long Beach in our first apartment in Bixby knolls it was one of those nasty hot summers, where being in a house with no air condition existed ,  I have no idea why they didn't have heaters or air conditioners. But that morning Haven my oldest was getting over his sickness that had been in his system for about a week, and he was already recovering. or so I thought he was . Me and alex felt that he was ok so why not take him to the beach it was basically only right there . So why not go . We called my nephew and niece and invited them to join us. So we drive to their house and pick them up . They hope in the back of the car with haven. As we are driving I turn back to see of he was ok , but he seemed a bit sleepy or just tired, but I thought well he's probably sleepy . So, we get to the beach get out of the car and just go sit on the bare sand , we didn't have a shade or a blanket , the sand felt hot but tolerable. Time passes by were playing volleyball we sit back down and all of a sudden my son passes out . His eyes and tongue rolled back and  he isn't respond . We grab a wipe and try to wet his face with it so the coolness of the wipe can help him freshen up .(mind you the whole time , I'm crying , and sobbing praying and asking god not to take my son)  Nothing , after a quick minute or so we call the ambulance and they are here within minutes, by the time they arrive Haven starts waking up. He's a bit dizzy looks so pale , but I'm just grateful that my son is awake . They take his vitals and strap us to the gurney . Man my heart felt so numb and sad for those minutes ,I couldn't believe this was happening to me . what had I'd done wrong I'm thinking as they take us to the hospital. As we get off the take us to a room , and by this time the doctor us there and ready to help us. My sister and mom are on there way , and I'm so out of it . it's like I'm feeling numb but at the same time out of it , than feeling irresponsible ,because this is all my fault for taking him to a place that he's unaware of . We didn't have too go , I'm so selfish .
The doctor gives his diagnose , he had a febrile seizure where his fever got out of control due to the sun beaming on his head which triggered the fever to spike . I was totally unaware he even had a fever . At this point the doctor said he was ok to be discharged because his vitals were back to normal .

Wow! talk about heartbreaking . For the first time in my life I've felt like something had slipped away from me . I still carry this pain of guilt for what happened to him . After that time I had to be careful because ,the febrile seizure are more common until the age of five . So I'm having to make sure to be careful with him . From that point on I stayed paranoid to take him to the beach whenever he doesn't look well. Or anywhere for that matter. And because of that traumatized event I carry a huge bag full of almost everything. Thermometer, ice packs that are like pebbles and you only use when needed, Emergency kit, Pepto Bismol_ children's pills, waters, extra clothing etc. You name it and more likely I have it in my bag this very moment. we just never know with kids.

It's surprising how one moment , just one moment of irresponsibility can possibly change your life forever.

What I took from this experience ;to carry everything; to be aware of how my children at all times . look and feel too see if they are okay.

 and never to take for granted all the moments I have with them . things happen and we just never know ..........................

 

(he's 7 now ,these were pictures that I took last year when we went up by lake Hemet)

Orion and Haven

Oh my baby boy..

Sunday Rambles

Woke up so early with a mind full ideas and inspiration I start searching things on the Internet . "What its 6 am , awe what ! I'm going to be tired and hungry later " that's exactly what I was thinking . But you know that moment when you have all your creative juices going and there isn't a way too stop it , yeah that's me . Essentially , I was suppose to wake up at 8 ,do yoga and drink a bunch of water  and make myself a green smoothie while my babies slept. Yeah right , instead my children decide to wake up at the same time as me and ask me for a jumbo platter from jack in the crack a.k.a jack in the box . I'm like listen boys it's early I'll get it later , so i rolled out of bed put my hair in a bun and slipped on some sweats , and I'm out the door . Honestly between you and me ,I suck and morning organization and daily rituals . So im driving and i start snapchatting away .  Yeah I'm bored at this point ! and as I'm driving I spot a rainbow, yeah I was totally stoked . mind you that it was about 6 am and the good luck vibes were rolling in .

I guess these little things are what makes my day stand out.  And to top it off I was able to fix my sewing machine after I got home from buying food. It was jammed and in some mysterious good luck fortune I fixed it. I'm telling you I was on a roll .sorry , I just get  excited when good things happen , they may not be grandeous but they feel grand . It's how i look at life . It's never the big things it's the littlest things that get me . And for some strange reason I know that the older ive gotten the more I appreciate simplicity , it brings joy .  I know I'm not going nowhere with this but it's how I'm feeling . 

Ha! It's Sunday ! 

and as much as I'm hanging out this day  calls for a stress free no strings attach type of day . Why ? Because it's a day of gratitude and love . It's Sunday ! ( yeah I know I repeated myself )that's one thing that I try to be consistent with . This daily reminder to breathe , stop and keep it moving , live and embrace the moment . Just like I am now, I am pretty much an all over the place kind of person , and I like that, because I can get over things and not dwell and pitty over things that are out of my control .  Life is about being in the now ,because it's going to be gone tommarrow . And as I'm feeling all these awesome vibes I leave you with the picture of the rainbow I was telling you about . Peace & Light