EX ISTENCE

GOOD MORNING WORLD!

I WOKE FEELING A BIT UNEASY . I DONT' KNOW WHY SOMETIMES I FEEL THE WAY I DO . MY ANXIETY CAN BE A TOTAL ASSHOLE

REALLY .. IT IS WHAT IT IS AT THIS POINT.  THERES NOT MUCH TO  EXPECT ANYMORE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND CERTAIN PATTERNS THAT I HAVE THAT REALLY BOGGLE MY MIND . AS TOO WHY I AM THE WAY I AM ..  AS,  I WAS READING ; "JUST KIDS BY PATTI SMITH ", THE CHARACTERS SEEM A BIT LOST IN TRANSLATION AS TO WHERE THEY NEED TO BE IN there LIFE OR WHATS EXPECTED OF THEM .

THAT OPENS  up a big picture of what I need to be doing with my life or where do I need to be ...

But in my own mind and the theory that i have come up with  is ; What is life if it isn't enjoyed by every experience or  what is life if you're not loving what you do . There is this big stigma of what is expected and what you need to be doing by what time on your life . I ask myself why ?  Isn't this is OUR OWN life. Can't we just live by our own rules ?  Don't we dictate the what ifs  and the hows ...

Im not sure where I am getting with this , but what I do know is that I can't measure up to anyone or I won't even dare to try .

We live to experience the world around us as so we see fit . The choices are there to be made  by us .

Why does the world complicate our expectancy ?

What if we woke up dead tomorrow . Will it be a waste?

Nothing Changes

For about 10 plus years, i always wondered what my life would be without this person and here I am without him , And guess what it has been the same shit.
 I have really given up on this idea of love and thought, I can't handle how' bad my anxiety is.Yes, I am seeking help this isn't fun , nor do I ever find it funny or judgmental when someone is going through something like this . It's hard waking up  and feeling like shit . I hate that feeling that I won't ever feel normal .

Through the years and time I can't remember the time that I felt normal . What is normal? Really without loosing my shit ??

I mean obviously we all have a moment of oh shit more so then others . Im just torn between what has to be and  what is. Im not crazy really just not fully stable , with my feelings . The only times Im feeling normal is when my kids are around . The are really my saving grace , they are what helps me get up and fight . Im grateful for them .... Im not saying that Im normal but I feel at ease , I'm just like ok ..

No one that goes through daily struggles wants this or these feelings.

Im signing off.

quiet

how do i just sit still , and not allow my brain to overthink and just be in the present moment. I can't ever deal , or live quietly in my head .

I find myself being in this position of weakness , and I just need my own space , one of the things that use to help me growing up was going to the beach. Yet now Im all over the place just thinking .

I hate thinking , I like just existing if thats the case it's not always helpful but I can't hep feel this way.

Many months ago , I needed to go in for therapy and what not , but I found myself being scared of getting called crazy . Fuck, Im not . I just have to figure out life , I know I need mental help .... But , ugh!

How can a human being  not be able to be themselves , or like how can one cope without the need of medication.

I've tried Yoga, meditation , herbs ... ugh ! something has too give.

if there is anyone out there suffering or going through such how are you coping ?

ANXIETY

I FIND MYSELF ALWAYS BEING AND IN  A HECTIC SPACE.

EVERY TIME I LOG ON HERE IT SEEMS THAT WAY, MAYBE BECAUSE IT'S MY SAFEHAVEN. IN SOME WAY IM NOT SURE WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON WITH ME .

THERE HAS BEEN MANY TURN OF EVENTS THAT HAVE CAUSED MY ANXIETY TO ACT UP.

I GOT INJURED AT WORK WHICH WAS A NIGHTMARE REALLY , AND NOW IM on bed rest typing with one hand.

I've been watching shirley, and its amazing . Funny and really creepy

This is day two of my shenanigans .

relationship noise

In  the past I have found myself involved with something or someone .

I can'r seem to get rid of a being , being with me or around me .

Im thinking that maybe I have a problem with being alone, yet I don't know why?

In my current state , I am in what I call a toxic relationship where all he does all day is stare at a women  on the internet , like there pictures etc.

BUT CLAIMS TO LOVE ME SO MUCH THAT ALL HE IS DOING IS LOOKING AT PICTURES, IN MY HEAD I SAY "BULLSHIT".

WE SPLIT THEN WE ARE BACK , IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR ABOUT A YEAR, WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK??

this is part 1....

P AIN

Not everyday do I wake up feeling like shit . But I do wake up confised , about what I feel or where I am going.

This quarantine has really given me anxiety . Has given me everything in such a short span of time .

I am easy too admit I don't have real friends , why because if someone breaks my trust it's hard for me too trust them again .

Which is why I am selective , and guess what sometimes it isn't for the best .

Yes, I've made the mistake to believe something that really just isn't  in some friends , and I needed up getting fucked. But , in hindsight I've learned to just move on from it ,live my life as peaceful as I can . And always be aware of who I give out my energy too .

However , I can't seem to rub off this anxiety . These headaches of so much over thinking , Im just plotting how to move near by the beach . I really need nature , i need fresh air clarity . The city just doesn't allow me  to be that , clear minded ....

How do you cope with anxiety ?

I'm so random with my post ... I know my bad, the thing is that this is my home away from home if that makes any sense .

SOULE LEAKS quietly

there are days that soul feels empty

there are moments that feel in vain

there are memories that aren't worth recalling

but life is simple , simple

THE LONELY STORY

HERE SHE SITS IN CONTEMPLATION,

YESTERDAY WAS SO TRAGIC;

THE WORDS FROM HIS MOUTH BURNED MY LIMBS

TH POWER OF HIS VOICE SHOOK  MY SOULE,

AND LIKE THAT I WALKED AWAY...

HE ART ACH ES

As this day had come to a start, FEB. 14 I sat here dreading it .

 Im not a big fan of a day used for capitalism . I mean hey if thats your mojo then so be it.  

In regards to the day itself , Im not sure but ,for the past 10 plus years it has been a bit of a turn off this day . 

I mean you would think love and, all its glory , but what is love ? (poses the question)

 I mean I love the del taco vegan layer burrito, I love french fries, I love gym clothes .. You see , I love, love this and that ... So what can be love ? 

The term love is a feeling , but when you love from the mind , body and soul , that can be quite different .

 I have never experienced that because I am so scared of that experience that I won't allow myself to be in that position. The act of vulnerability scares me . 

I'm scarred internally , that doesn't mean that I won't give love to others , I just won't allow myself  to experience  it first handAS much . If that makes any sense . How can I be in love with another being , I love myself but not the feeling of vulnerability . (scatter brain) *wink wink 

People call me sad , bitter ,but  frankly Im not . I wanna love , just not in that way .

I want to say Im guarded . Literally I know .....

IS that bad??

Cheers anyways to the love or idea of love . It gives me ANXIETY!!! 

T I M E

When I think about what this year has been my heart aches, and quietly cries. This year has been short of great. I can say that it has been so HARD....

With my kids father leaving me for another women , moving on so swiftly with no care in the world I feel as If this pain will never go away . I settle for less then I deserve , dating someone who treats me worst then he did ... What am I really searching for?

Sometimes nothing seems to help , I have some great people  but this is beyond that .

As I sit here and just contemplate and text away with my good friend , why ?

Do we women settle for less? Why can't we accept the solitude for what it is and just live and enjoy each moment ?

My conclusion is we were accustomed , and we lived in such a way that always involved family .

However, it's always better to let go and heal . I've learned this the hard way to be completely honest. Sometimes it's the hidden pain that we have to go through that helps us see the blessing .

It's a bit of a contradiction . But life itself is just this way ..

One thing that I have learned is that dating SUCKS! It's hard and complicated , I feel like  trust has become a great issue.  Trust within myself , trust in others , and how can I be happy when I don't trust .

Im just slowly learning to be with myself , and accept the trials and tribulation that arrises.

Life isn't always bad ; but complicated .. I know many women that are going through emotional withdrawals , heart aches , and everything else in between ..

It's hard!

Im ranting but this is my journey  to recovery , it's not easy ...

11.26.2019

It' S beginning to look like like I am about to stuff my face kind of holiday ...

If i am honest I'm dreading it , because the after math is no joke, loosing weight during these holidays is like me trying to run in the water " IMPOSSIBLE"!!

I ask myself what is so glamorous about thanksgiving , and the answer is NOTHING !!

 But it is however another reason too glam up and lets not pretend that the frozen  bird won't break through the frozen seals in my fridge   and gobble me up instead ....

It sounded better in my head ...

However, this year has been fucking hard and beautiful all at the same time.

November seems to bring a beautiful scent in the air... I love it , really who doesn't !

In all honesty , I was dreading the holidays solo.. Since splitting from my significant other life has been ugly , sad, anxious, and chaotic.

But quietly mending...... too be continue!