A Heart Break and a Tale of a Liar

 One of the hardest things that I've come across is betrayal , whether from friends or lovers. For the past year I have really been through a lot . Hating every moment and wondering what I did wrong , but as it turns out I did everything right so what's the issue? 

I press this a lot on myself because I'm always at a halt with my thoughts and then again I start rethinking-it all over again . 

As I learned clearly some time ago , that no matter what how long you are with a person there is a 100% percent chance of them cheating some way somehow . It's just a fact, and as a woman we try to be forgiving in hope of a change from a partner . Sadly I've come to find out that it's never that way anymore.

It's really harsh to live like this , and really feeling that we have no power to make that change for myself.

See, a while back I dated a guy name X who's tendencies where more than obvious, he had this hard demeanor to himself and always look so defensive . Me carrying a whole package of pain in my heart , I slowly caved into this idea of hope and maybe love. Literally , maybe turns out that almost a year into this so called relationship his own friend exposed him . We were having a deep conversation and he just with a raw sense of humor said " You know X isn't taking you seriously ." I honestly looked at him baffled and confused , like why are you telling me , he repeatedly said "he's not what you think , he knows that your vulnerable and he's taking advantage of the situations". That was so much for me too handle totally out of the blue and wondering , why would someone tell me this , especially a friend of his . Hmmmm; Interest maybe. That really stuck to me and if you are a women reading this , you know the insecurity and distrust that follows. 

Fast forward here we are June something and my nephew invites me to his baby shower outside the city , and of course me being me I go . In my mind and head I know I can't trust X and all these weird feelings come over me . Before, I left I told him promise me you'll be good and I have nothing to worry about . With a straight face and almost annoyed he said " yes, baby I love you too much blah, blah , blah. Of course something in my gut told me otherwise . I leave and return around 8 pm. Through out the day we only texted maybe a handful of times . I called him no answer , I kept calling until he shuts off his phone and never picks up until 10 am the next morning inly to tell me they towed my car. 

In that instance I thought straight Karma Mother Fucker , as he returns hundreds of dollars later . He acts as if he did nothing he was just hanging out with friends . I of course go through his phone only to see about 10 numbers blocked .  OMFG! he cheated!! OMFG He cheated !!. Yes, he did.  I come to find out days later a phone call where an X calls and says" Come fuck me and Pay me ". That was such a disturbing call overall . He kept denying  anything and everything . Months pass and one day we have a huge argument and it all comes out . I tell him I know he cheated since the beginning his friend confirmed it and  he messed around the night I left . With a straight narcissistic attitude he says no". He says how much again he loves me . I balled up crying about two days , then one day he confesses and says " yes I did , but I was stupid and I love you more than ever.' OMFG ! the nerve of men . Really love me ! I said you love yourself and the Idea of getting blowed is your weakness. 

All in all I will say this never in my life have I ever come across a pathological liar of this magnitude . It's unbelievable that almost two years that I endured stupidity at its highest level . 

This kept breaking my heart over and over , and now I am just numb to the idea of truthfulness, not saying there isn't love somewhere but the level of distrust is unimaginable but real.

This isn't the first time , but I have learned to cope and be stronger and let go ! I do myself no good continuing to be with a liar, cheater and dishonest man . 

It's hard to let go , but at one point is bound to repeat itself  making me look like a fool . 

This is me letting him know that I am no longer going to play the fool , and let him hurt even for an instance as much as he hurt me .Me walking away will be something that I believe will pain him but it's too late for 3,4,5, chances.

I've learned what I want, and don't want and, what I will settle for and won't . 

This was by far that harshest experience.  

This is what ?

     I don't think that this topic gets talked about a lot really . The media sort of brushes it under the rug and well nothing really comes out of the topic. I'm talking about MENTAL ILLNESS. 

It's very real I struggle with it every day , and Im on medication because of it. I always knew I had something but was very afraid to speak about it to anyone . I had no outlet growing up because I really believed that this was normal . All the turmoil , that I kept in my head really was there but in my head I always thought why talk about it . For years , I experienced bullying and beatings from a close family member and I would look up and ask my auntie who would babysit me  to help me all she would do is laugh at me .  During that time I had really long hair so she would purposely pull and pull on it . I was just never big on telling so I kept all that to myself . 

Fast forward to now , and here I am talking about mental illness . That part of my life was really hard , and I've carried that up until now. 

There was so many other things that happened to me , but all in all my depression and anxiety really was something I continued to hide and just not want to be on medication . I mean who likes pills? eww!!  I can't stand them . Ever since I have been taking them man ,  i have been  much more sensitive . I feel myself really everywhere and sometimes just numb . 

Honestly , at this stage in my life I just want to raise my kids with minimal life interruptions live a serene quiet life just us, and live out in the country somewhere in Amsterdam  and travel  with them . I want to show them the world  and with that life will feel complete .

See the one thing I have come to realize is I don't want to burden my babies with such things . They need to feel safe even when I am all over the place . I continue to hide all this , but if they ever need my help I will be there . 

During this roller coaster of pill consumptions , I really have been just so confused , headaches, I'm feeling sadder , and even more anxious. Maybe that idea just seems so oh shit , that I can't seem to shake it off. Ive lived with it for so long , and it is until now that I have been able to take control . 

However , it is I hope I come out better and on top of the world after this treatment .

I really hope in the next upcoming weeks I can actually feel something different.

If you or anyone you know is going through something similar , it's always nice to have someone check up on us.

HE YELLS

 Friday nights are for fun , to drink and have that experience of alone.  My babies are gone off with there dad , and well Im recovering from a work related injury . Most of my friday nights seem quiet and sometimes mixed with a  bit of drama in the.  

I really do feel alone without my babies . They are everything that drive me into sanity with a bit of oh shit moments . 

There is only one thing that has been bothering me so much , and it's this friend that we have in common . I have made it clear that he's only a friend that I want nothing with him and that he's just that  a friend . Why ? I think in my head why ? do you insist to bother , you aren't  my type , and Im just not into short men . It's not what I like .... It's clear as the water right ? but he just seems so strung on this idea , I've been a friend ... BUT I learned something this time around ; you just can't be friends with everybody  especially men .   That is something Im gonna have too just accept . I'm walking away , I give no hope ..

SA T URDAY

 I  NEED SOME PEACE , I HAVE BEEN FEELING ANXIOUS FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS.  2020 HAS A BEEN A TOTAL BIATCH , THE ONE THING THAT I HAVE LEARNED IS HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO HAVE A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM OF FRIENDS .  RELATIONSHIPS ARE SO OVERRATED , THAT I'VE WONDERED WHAT IS THERE LEFT . BUT FRIENDS, I MEAN UNLESS YOU HAVE A PARTNER THAT IS FUN , ADVENTUREOUS AND TOTALLY AMAZING ; THEN YOUR ONE OF THE FEEW WHOS PARTNER  ISN'T DISTRACT  BY THE SUPERFICIAL NOTIONS OF THE "INTERNET".

How many of us ladies have EDURED such shit. I know I have . 

But that brings me back to the point of the importance of goof friends and good company .

I know that along the way , i've lost many friends because I am just so distant . I like to stay to myself and in some way that is something that most people don't like . Im outgoing but also reserved to all things if anything . 

I've come to realize that the world is a small beautiful intriguing place . But it's a tough life , and sometimes being alone is the best way to avoid many things. 

Im ranting I know , shit I always do that . haha! but it's Saturday and well .. Im kinda wanting to get a huge glass of good wine and wings , smoke and watch flicks , while I finish up this book Im writing. I will start a youtube channel , where I talk about life rants and things that have happen. And if you can relate you can chime into a segment .

Im stuck

It's been one of the hardest month , july!

Last month as well , I can't seem to catch a break . But Im still alive and walking and healthy.

So that there is a plus really , I can't complain .

I have been wondering about how to make ends meet and get us out of the rut. But , as long as mt kids  are happy and I am able to provide for them , that is a winner.

I have been looking into making some jewelry and witchy stuff it's in the making really . I love rocks and stones and good quality rings. But my creative juices are gone out the door .  This quarantine has made me feel a bit lost . I need to get away from all the noise of the world. 

Or am I the only one that feels this way ?

I wanna go camping , but most parks are closed .

Once I get done with it I'll be back on my shit.  

How have you guys been keeping up  with this whole corona virus  ? 

how are you guys keeping busy?

EX ISTENCE

GOOD MORNING WORLD!

I WOKE FEELING A BIT UNEASY . I DONT' KNOW WHY SOMETIMES I FEEL THE WAY I DO . MY ANXIETY CAN BE A TOTAL ASSHOLE

REALLY .. IT IS WHAT IT IS AT THIS POINT.  THERES NOT MUCH TO  EXPECT ANYMORE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND CERTAIN PATTERNS THAT I HAVE THAT REALLY BOGGLE MY MIND . AS TOO WHY I AM THE WAY I AM ..  AS,  I WAS READING ; "JUST KIDS BY PATTI SMITH ", THE CHARACTERS SEEM A BIT LOST IN TRANSLATION AS TO WHERE THEY NEED TO BE IN there LIFE OR WHATS EXPECTED OF THEM .

THAT OPENS  up a big picture of what I need to be doing with my life or where do I need to be ...

But in my own mind and the theory that i have come up with  is ; What is life if it isn't enjoyed by every experience or  what is life if you're not loving what you do . There is this big stigma of what is expected and what you need to be doing by what time on your life . I ask myself why ?  Isn't this is OUR OWN life. Can't we just live by our own rules ?  Don't we dictate the what ifs  and the hows ...

Im not sure where I am getting with this , but what I do know is that I can't measure up to anyone or I won't even dare to try .

We live to experience the world around us as so we see fit . The choices are there to be made  by us .

Why does the world complicate our expectancy ?

What if we woke up dead tomorrow . Will it be a waste?

Nothing Changes

For about 10 plus years, i always wondered what my life would be without this person and here I am without him , And guess what it has been the same shit.
 I have really given up on this idea of love and thought, I can't handle how' bad my anxiety is.Yes, I am seeking help this isn't fun , nor do I ever find it funny or judgmental when someone is going through something like this . It's hard waking up  and feeling like shit . I hate that feeling that I won't ever feel normal .

Through the years and time I can't remember the time that I felt normal . What is normal? Really without loosing my shit ??

I mean obviously we all have a moment of oh shit more so then others . Im just torn between what has to be and  what is. Im not crazy really just not fully stable , with my feelings . The only times Im feeling normal is when my kids are around . The are really my saving grace , they are what helps me get up and fight . Im grateful for them .... Im not saying that Im normal but I feel at ease , I'm just like ok ..

No one that goes through daily struggles wants this or these feelings.

Im signing off.

quiet

how do i just sit still , and not allow my brain to overthink and just be in the present moment. I can't ever deal , or live quietly in my head .

I find myself being in this position of weakness , and I just need my own space , one of the things that use to help me growing up was going to the beach. Yet now Im all over the place just thinking .

I hate thinking , I like just existing if thats the case it's not always helpful but I can't hep feel this way.

Many months ago , I needed to go in for therapy and what not , but I found myself being scared of getting called crazy . Fuck, Im not . I just have to figure out life , I know I need mental help .... But , ugh!

How can a human being  not be able to be themselves , or like how can one cope without the need of medication.

I've tried Yoga, meditation , herbs ... ugh ! something has too give.

if there is anyone out there suffering or going through such how are you coping ?

ANXIETY

I FIND MYSELF ALWAYS BEING AND IN  A HECTIC SPACE.

EVERY TIME I LOG ON HERE IT SEEMS THAT WAY, MAYBE BECAUSE IT'S MY SAFEHAVEN. IN SOME WAY IM NOT SURE WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON WITH ME .

THERE HAS BEEN MANY TURN OF EVENTS THAT HAVE CAUSED MY ANXIETY TO ACT UP.

I GOT INJURED AT WORK WHICH WAS A NIGHTMARE REALLY , AND NOW IM on bed rest typing with one hand.

I've been watching shirley, and its amazing . Funny and really creepy

This is day two of my shenanigans .

relationship noise

In  the past I have found myself involved with something or someone .

I can'r seem to get rid of a being , being with me or around me .

Im thinking that maybe I have a problem with being alone, yet I don't know why?

In my current state , I am in what I call a toxic relationship where all he does all day is stare at a women  on the internet , like there pictures etc.

BUT CLAIMS TO LOVE ME SO MUCH THAT ALL HE IS DOING IS LOOKING AT PICTURES, IN MY HEAD I SAY "BULLSHIT".

WE SPLIT THEN WE ARE BACK , IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR ABOUT A YEAR, WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK??

this is part 1....

P AIN

Not everyday do I wake up feeling like shit . But I do wake up confised , about what I feel or where I am going.

This quarantine has really given me anxiety . Has given me everything in such a short span of time .

I am easy too admit I don't have real friends , why because if someone breaks my trust it's hard for me too trust them again .

Which is why I am selective , and guess what sometimes it isn't for the best .

Yes, I've made the mistake to believe something that really just isn't  in some friends , and I needed up getting fucked. But , in hindsight I've learned to just move on from it ,live my life as peaceful as I can . And always be aware of who I give out my energy too .

However , I can't seem to rub off this anxiety . These headaches of so much over thinking , Im just plotting how to move near by the beach . I really need nature , i need fresh air clarity . The city just doesn't allow me  to be that , clear minded ....

How do you cope with anxiety ?

I'm so random with my post ... I know my bad, the thing is that this is my home away from home if that makes any sense .