Tough

As much as I want to not talk about this I am .

I am loosing my fucking mind.

Everything seems out of wack and all I want too do is RUUUUUUNNNN!!!

I THOOUGHT THAT BY TODAY I WOULD BE SOLVED..

but things are getting more and more intense all is collapsing


I don't know how too help  my loved one.

She is helpless  and it breaks me into all kinds of bits and pieces.

I am crying out of desperation and I am loosing hope in myself . How can I help someone when I can't seem to help myself .

May brain races with so many thoughts , and everything is overwhelming day by day.

I don't sleep much , so half of my day is ZOMBIEFIED.

Im just walking and doing but lack the sense of BEING .

i should be enjoying life , happy but my world keeps tumbling overtime I try to rebuild.

I'm not sure what too do !

alanis : ironic

I know others have it tough but this is the only way I know how too clear my mind , and even like that shit's getting bad !

Quiet// Anxiety

It's been sometime since I've been here.

I feel like every time I am on here it's either complaining or just in a fucked up place .

I was talking to a friend about  how I suffer from depression and anxiety , seriously it's all bad .

And , she went and said " why are you depressed , you should be happy you have it all ". I look at her puzzled . 
 I went on and told her , I have  it all >??? WTF does that mean exactly ..(defensive mode)

Her description was vague and simple , husband , kids, and you stay home..( really????

 Again I looked puzzled , and was taken back . 

That's what have it all means , well that's a bad interpretation. 

Who has it all Rich motherfuckers, they have it all , or maybe not. 

Having it all doesn't mean it's just physical , material, shit  it' s having your fucking head straight . It's learning how to cope with a place full of fucking people and not wanting to storm screaming out of there.

It's not having to over think everything , it's not having anxiety breakdowns when your shit isn't put back , it's dealing with constant visions of things happening , it's not seeing shadows and  things walking  when there is nothing there. It's not feeling fucking shitty 90 percent of the time.

And yet I have my shit together and have it all . NOOOOOOOO!!!

I don't have my sanity . 

All I want too do is live in a cottage in the woods and never leave ..

so WTF?????

I am loosing it guys ... but ill come back to my normal existence.

Then today something I saw a post on  Instagram by a holistic Dr. that help me sort of understand that being this way can be out of my control but ok . 
It was a short theory on depression 

She said " why do people question others depression ,  or mental health problems . " 
That it was like asking " Why do you have asthma ? there is  so much air to breathe ."

This is itself means a whole fucking lot . Im dissecting it so I can put it into perspective!! but It carved a hole right where I felt trapped.

peace-